8 years

I've gone easy on myself today. Because somehow if I turn it into a very sordid way, it's an 8th birthday. And birthdays are for fun. And joy. But there is a fine line between the opposites of everything. A fine line between joy and agony, between sadness and happiness. And although I'm sure that going to my parents' house today is not a very good idea, I'm standing up proud and going anyway. It's not my fault that it's an 8th. birthday. It's not my fault that they do not understand. And it's not my fault that I have a baggage which consists of an 8th. birthday. They're perfect, well, somewhere along the genetic stupidity I came out to be not perfect. I could never stop the things happening in the world, in the same manner as I couldn't stop things happening in my immediate world. I have been made to feel sorry, but now that my mind has cleared I realise I shouldn't have been sorry. That was cruel. Just an added burden on pain-stricken me. That wasn't very fair. But perhaps it made me grow super-fast. Not in physical size. Although perhaps it has too, but that doesn't matter right now, it didn't then. I remember thinking, weight loss was such an imbecile issue, everything was an imbecile issue next to anything. Sometimes fate is bitter. And sometimes babies come into the world with a black cloud over them perhaps, although the black cloud isn't seen because of the joy of a new little thing into the world. Perhaps if I'd come with instructions, they'd have flushed me away. Although I'm not so sure that my parents, with all their not understanding would have done that. But perhaps when you push nature, then fate takes over. Although that's not a very fair statement either, because it shows a little of the bitterness there still is in me. And I don't like it. And now I also suddenly realise why I keep the extremely low-profile, why I avoid people as much as possible. And no I'm not mad, nor depressed. Just a wee bit sad, and I hope that I have a right to feel that way. True it's been 8 years now, and so much has changed. I'm not the scared little girl anymore. I guess I'm still a little-bit-scared-woman now. I have a whole new life now, and life is good. I never would have believed that somehow I'd carve out another life, but I have. And I guess that is something, 8 years down the line.