And now...

Christmas can be the best of times. It can also be the worst. I have had just one terrible Christmas in my life, so bad that I locked myself into my then apartment and decided to have a clean-out on Christmas Eve. It was that bad. What was bad about it was that I never ever have a clean out on my own, and Christmas Eve would never be appropriate a date anyway. But life back then was so hard. I'd gone to hell and back and to hell again. Very few people thought I'd survive the worst, but I did. I never thought I'd live to tell the tale, I never thought I'd smile again, but I did, I have, I can smile anytime now.

I still reserve some thinking space on Christmas Eve. Some thinking about those who are having it hard. Perhaps thinking does not do anybody any kind of good, but it's my kind of space where I try to will anybody out there that yes, it will get better, it's impossible to see it then, but it will get better, and it really does. Pain changes human beings dramatically. In just one swoop, you can go from being ok to being severely pained. And pain interferes with our way of seeing things. No amount of corrective laser eye surgery can change that. And no, time does not change that. It is only acceptance which is the first step to change. It's scary, sometimes we have been in horrible pain for so long that we think it is somehow safer to cling on to the devil we know. And unless we take a leap into the dark we cannot start to heal. I know, I've been there, done that. And it's not easy. But there is one beautiful thing that arises from pain. We suddenly become sensitive to other people's feelings. We suddenly try not to hurt anybody. We become extra aware. And that is the little baby steps of hope which we take on our mission back to surviving. And once we are able to hike ourselves back to survival, then we are changed human beings who want to change the world. Well, at least the part of the world around us.

And now it's all making so much sense. I am so sorry for hating destiny, fate, and perhaps the Higher Power. I used to think that if this Power didn't give us more than we were able to cope with, then why the hell did He trust me so much? That is how it was back then. There were so many whys? Why this, why that? Haven't I gone through enough? Another blow, and yet another? But I was too short-sighted back then. Now, perhaps life has given me my much need corrective laser eye surgery. Now I see why. And to think I very nearly missed it. But I didn't. And now, only now, am I glad about it. So very glad.

The Gift List

Sometimes a painting gives an immediate life to an otherwise bare room. Sometimes it's a perfectly sewn pair of curtains, of course not sewn by yours truly. Other times it's a dab of colour to any boring magnolia white-washing. Since it's the Christmas month, then a lot of things are going to come to life. Seeing that my house actually houses big people as well as a big number of everything, of course I'm putting up a big Christmas tree. That will make me happy, and my cats even happier. Every season it's a new tree, because cats automatically think it's their own version of Splash and Fun, minus the Splash of course. Next big thing, is my Baby Jesus. Beautiful baby from Spain, I like to think that I have my baby, at least for a month. No harm in that. Presents. I love presents. Brother, if you're reading this, make sure you have a Chanel or a Cartier for me. It doesn't have to take up much space, it'll probably fit snugly into a Christmas stocking so that saves you the time and labour of having to wrap up seeing you do a bad job already at wrapping up. I also want diamonds, a girl can never have too many. A diamond is always such a fitting present whatever the occasion, be is Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, Birthdays and even just for fun. Mum and dad, you don't have to trail the shops, I take monetary gifts in Euro denomination, no problem. To the man in my life... well you know exactly what I like, so it won't be that hard for you, just be sure to take your cheque book with you and it'll be very very easy.

And to the Higher Power who is always tuning in to listen through His big radar receptor. You too know what makes me happy. Do not make me happy, make a someone else happy. Please make sure you make his dream come true. Make him belong, make him feel loved and cherished. You created him, so You know exactly what's best. And that'll be enough for me. I might sound very poetic and romantic, but I mean it.

Retribution

I am seeing Christmas decorations going up bit by bit. It's a slow process but everybody's getting there. As for myself, I'll be doing that all weekend. It's so nice to put up a Christmas tree, with Christmas songs in blues, and with the traditional Baileys. I am not a drinker, this time of the year is hard for me, before everybody expects me to drink, at least just one, or perhaps two. But please leave me alone, I am not one for alcohol, it makes my head spin and spirals me into a deep comatose, depressed state. Let me hang on to my Diet Coke, I'm a cheap date, and I won't break anybody's bank. I know it's strange for a lot of people, but this is me. And I either do things in overdrive or not at all, so perhaps it's a good thing knowing my liver won't suffer very much, although as in old wives' tales, Diet Coke can actually spring clean your guts out. I'd love this to be true, it would just require a splash of Diet Coke to spring clean my house. It would save my domestic friend a lot of hard work too.

As for doing the cleaning out, I'd love to clean out a couple of people from my life. Yes, I'm still pissed. Not for my sake. I am 35 and nobody decides what happens in my life apart from myself and the Higher Power. I am my own mistress. And no, I'm not a cruel mistress, clad in latex boots and corset and a whip. I am so very far away from that. No latex here, no corset, and definitely no whip, although I have to admit that I like the boots. But that's it. Some people like all that, and it's ok for me, each to his own. But that doesn't mean they can take their power and control fantasies and implement them into real life. They can dream and do whatever they like behind closed doors, as long as it is all between consenting adults. But carrying it on to their daily job is not on. Of course they can get away with it in this life. But I wonder what retribution will be like. It's so easy not to believe in the law of retribution. But I would never take a chance like that. Not now, not ever.

Impossible?

The sun is shining brightly today, brighter than ever before. The tiny gusts of wind run through my hair, hit my ear and tell me it's going to be all right. The slight chill is just a way of reminding me that it'll soon be Christmas cheer. Somehow, the picture is brighter. I am getting a chiaro scuro effect, but the scuro is immediately giving way to the chiaro. Life is good. And it's going to get better. I'm happy, far happier than ever. I haven't felt this way in years. I'm feeling so young again. Not 35, not even 25. Younger. And I feel lighter, perhaps not physically, but mentally, emotionally I feel like the little ladybird who can swing on a tree branch which can carry its weight.

I'm also apprehensive sometimes, always that little voice telling me if I can do it. I have no answer. But I'll try. I'll try my very best. Nobody has parental skills until they become a parent. So many girls become parents at 16, so can't I do it at 35? I'll try, I will just be myself, I'll follow dad's bible, and that should be all right. I will try to wipe away a not so nice past, and give way to a bright future. But there will be no more tears. No more frustration. No more longings. I am going to put a stop to that. So many people have tried to hinder this, so many people have tried to make it difficult. The thing is, when you want something for real, and when the angels realise you're with good intent, suddenly the impossible becomes possible. They told me it was impossible, they said I didn't know what I was saying, they tried to put a stop to my quest. They tried. I tried even harder than that. My man tried the hardest of all. I have been blessed by an awesome man in my life. He is a man who understands, who has feelings, a high intellect, but an even better heart. And I love him for making this possible. It would still be impossible were it not for him. But it's not anymore. Christmas is the time when people should be blessed with angels. I have an angel already, and I'm getting another one. It will be me and the boys. And I couldn't wish for anything else. It's perfect.