S is for Sleeping...not for Sex

So, owing to the fact that whatever I'm writing here is touring the world quite a bit, I have to clarify. I don't actually have to, but it's best I do. Here it is... no I am not against sex, or allergic, or have a bad reaction to it. Nor am I a man hater, a lesbian, a woman who has been cheated on and now has taken to make men beg. I am none of those. I just think that there are so many other things in the world, and one of those is sleeping. Sleep doesn't come easy to me, and when something is hard to get, you seem to want it more. There are a million of other times when sex would be appropriate, but that is not during sleeping time. Some people think beds are made for sex. And that's awful because it means they have no imagination or creativity to carry it onto something else, and past the bedroom. If that were true, then advertising bedrooms would be made illegal because they'd be bordering on porn. And again, if that were true, then I, for one, wouldn't have happily ordered my master bedroom without a red face to go with it. And I know it's called a Master bedroom, but it still does it for the Mistress. And sex doesn't have to be scheduled, it's supposed to be spontaneous... within legal boundaries. I will never understand why so many young people actually do it in the car, and why so many young girls accept it. Hey girls, if we're going to do something creative then we need the luxury to go with it; satin sheets, not a car buckle seat, high ceilings to be able to move about, a tiger rug (although that is so retro), air conditioning so as not to freeze to death. The man who thinks that sex is a time when one should be cuttin down on Enemalta bills could just about trawl the streets of Gzira, although they're pulling that down soon too. Stingy men are selfish and will not wait for you, anywhere, and not during the what you call it. Be clever girl and make the time the time to evaluate if the man is actually worth keeping or not. There is also something called bedside manners. You see, I'm not anti-men at all. At 35 I am more choosy. And I will not be impressed if a man so much as tries to interfere with my sleep for a sexual reason. So let sleeping dogs lie. Because Lorena was far from stupid.

The Axe

I finally went to bed extra late yesterday, and woke up spankingly early. Now I know how my other colleagues are always all dolled up. If they manage to wake up at 7am every day, then they have a whole hour to prettify themselves. The thing it, I was once like that too, worse than that. I'd be wearing a whole mask. I did this for years. Until one day my cat was ill so I had to rush it to the vet and then go to work afterwards. And one colleague of that time actually was flabbergasted at the difference, he had the audacity to ask where my lips had gone!!! I just told him the tooth fairy had rubbed them off. He didn't take the joke, he was so concerned, so sure that my lips were once collagen based and that the collagen had gone off overnight. Oh dear, how wrong. There is never collagen, it just takes some artistry to create what's not there and to make it look natural. But it takes time, and although I could seriously open shop with the amount of sealed cosmetics I have, I don't seem to have the time in the morning. Evenings would be a better time but then it's not as if I'm out partying every day. And since my cats do not see any difference, as does my PC monitor, well, I couldn't be bothered. Of course there's the man of the house, but really, is it at all feasible to waste an hour dolling up just because there is a man in the house? An old colleague of mine would be just in sweats and pants, that is until the clock turned four. And since hubby would be back from work at half five, then she'd take a shower (nothing wrong with that) and paint a face that would put any Indian to shame. Why? Because hubby was coming. I could and can never understand her concept. Does her hubby never see her sleep, has he never seen her get our of bed with unruly hair, or does she sleep as in magazines, perfectly made up, with the perfect pout? I wonder what her pillowcases must look like, probably very colourful with some Salvador Dali artistry. Another friend of mine took to wearing blue contact lenses every day. Until she bagged a boyfriend, and still wore the blue contacts every day right up to their wedding night. The trouble is she married an Englishmen and all English husbands want to toast to their beautiful new wife. And she was really beautiful (still is). But I nearly choked when he said, 'waking up to those beautiful blue eyes for the rest of my life bla bla bla'. Waking up to blue eyes? Sorry to disappoint you, but try the bathroom mirror first. They've been married for ten solid years, and i think it's a good marriage, and hubby has learnt that blue eyes aren't everything, he now thinks that hazel eyes are just as beautiful seeing that their children have all taken after their mother in the ophthalmic department. I will never understand why some girls seem not to want equality; they want the strong macho husband who decides everything for them. One friend of mine went so far as to like being woken up during the night by her husband to take his wicked ways. She'd actually brag about it so much, that every time I saw them together I could only imagine one thing... that of him waking her up. At first she'd get woken up four times, then three, then two, then one, then nothing... and then she had a panic attack. If any man tried so much as to stir me from my sleep for a silly reason like sex, I'd axe him in half. It takes long enough for me to go to sleep and I'm not waking up unless it's a medical emergency. I have woken up when the Mister was very very sick and had to be hospitalised. I wasn't very happy about it, but I couldn't be angry either. Had it been me, he'd have got up in a snap. But needing emergency medical attention is not a silly excuse. If I were woken up by one of my cats being sick, I wouldn't be angry either but rather cry and rush it to the emergency vet. If anybody called for help, I'd do whatever I could, including getting up from bed. But sex? Sex is no emergency. If any man thinks its an emergency, then he'd better walk himself into the bathroom and stay there. But then I'd never be with a man like that. Waking wives up for their wicked ways is so damn rude. Just place an axe under the bed. That'll stop him in his tracks... and his wicked ways.