Unsettling

Such an unsettling feeling I have tonight. If it were yesterdays I'd have blamed it on the heat. But not today. It's a day (or night) when I know that the lights in my house will be on for at least half a dozen hours more. And it's almost 11pm. Yes I'm going to have to drag myself in tomorrow. Something doesn't feel right. I have just changed all my winter wardrobe to summer and I'm amazed at all the clothing I have. And it's damn pretty too. So that should make me happy. Trouble is it doesn't. It's not the clothing's fault of course. It's the niggling feeling of change. And of course I don't want change. I might also have to make a decision, the hardest one yet, and I don't know how to decide. I also don't want to make myself guilty, because we all have different personalities and I've known about this decision making being very difficult for me ever since I was little. I could never choose something out of a toyshop. So I'd end up getting two. Thankfully dad was the type of dad who would have given me the moon. He still is. I don't want to say things which I will regret tomorrow but it really feels so empty inside. Perhaps I should take a course about decision-making, because it's all so very Greek to me. I keep swaying this way and that. And it reminds me of my dear twin who is off in Spain. He doesn't think twice about decisions that's for sure. I really will never understand the extreme freak of a nature which made us twins. We only have a birthday which is similar. Nothing else. Am stopping here. I just don't have the energy tonight. Sorry guys, I know I'm not very entertaining this evening. It'll be a brand new day tomorrow.

Gay

Gay. The word means happy, without a worry. It's a nice word, so harmless. Gay, let me think what meaning I can come up with. Merry, lively, cheerful, happy, jovial, glad, joyous, gleeful, light hearted, airy, sprightly, blithe, festive, jolly .... and homosexual. How I hate this last word. If I were the one ruling the word I would banish it forever. Because, whether we like it or not, or, whether I like it or not, homosexual instantly draws a picture to me... that of filthy old men in raincoats always living in public toilets trying to ravish some youngster. That's totally bad. I hate homosexual, but I like, no, I love gay. Gay is so wickedly nice. And so should the term gay mean when it is used for people who are attracted to other people of their same gender. I am not gay, but I could have been. We are born into the same dough of a world, so we exit out of the same cake. I am straight, but I could have easily been gay. And it wouldn't have been a problem at all. I like gay people because through my gay experience I find them to be very honest people, since that accepting that they are gay in the first place must have been the most honest thing of all. What's wrong with gay? They pay our same taxes. They too have partners like me and you. What's gender got to do with it? Of course you will find the odd gay one who spells trouble, but then, so many of us straight ones spell trouble even better. Oh... and don't even go near the paedophile thing. Gay people are not paedophiles as much as you and I are. For Christ's (pun not intended) sake, even holy people, the one who choose to marry God have been known to tamper with the little people. It doesn't take gay to do that. It either takes evil, for which I am not sorry, or a very screwed up mind, about which I'd better not give my opinion. That will be a whole very sensitive blog entry which I have to think carefully about. There are a lot of things we do not get to choose, one of which is our sexual orientation. Gay and straight, the spice of variety in life. God created straight for a reason and forget it, it wasn't just for procreation, otherwise he could have created just rabbits instead. It would also mean that childless me was created for nothing, and we really don't want to go there do we, because we teach our little people about being special and unique all the time. We also teach them about diversity, and that shouldn't include just race, colour, size differences but also sexual diversity. So gay people have all the right that you and I have. That means, they should have the right to marry. Come off it, is marriage really just for making babies? Marriage means love, when two people who love and respect each other and want to commit to each other. That also goes for gay people. I would happily attend a man + man wedding, and a woman + woman wedding. Why ever not? It makes so much sense. It makes a couple happy and they are not interfering with anybody. And then comes the post-wedding. If I, the straight one, have married my male companion and been left childless, I can always adopt. Although Appogg needs to be burnt on the stake and Sedqa needs to have eye laser surgery. But the possibility is there. It's not there for gay people. Why the hell not? Oh I can hear a lot of silly reasons, because then the adopted child will grow up to be gay. And... so what? Gay is not bad. And anyhow, plenty of gay people have grown up in heterosexual relationships, and they still were brave enough to come out of the closet. I have yet to see this closet which has housed millions of people. I know plenty of gay couples who would do a much better job at bringing up a child than a straight one. Plenty of serial killers can get married and have babies in the process. Even paedophiles can. Is leaving children in care really a better idea then placing them in same sex loving families? Britian does it's utmost to keep their kids out of care. And yet we continue playing God and keeping our foot down. If only I were the Pope, but then I could never be the Pope of course because I am a girl. So much for the Roman Catholic Church based on love. It preaches love but not diversity. Shame on it. What is the difference? It's the difference which is making all the difference. And it really shouldn't.