Innocent?

A very dear friend of mine thinks I am innocent. Yes, innocent. She is a dear friend who doesn't mince her words, who knows exactly what she's saying, although on odd times she talks so complicated that I need her to simplify her words. What can I do? She's got a better brain than mine. And she is positive I am innocent. Which comes to me as a shock. And she smiles, and grins, I can feel her over the Internet she's smiling this smile, a kind of protective endearing kind of smile. Funny. Because I'm also getting this from another dear friend of mine, also brainy. He smiles, and smiles some more, and since this one is not over the web I can see him so clearly. I alas cannot describe him for risk of giving myself away but I can describe how he smiles, he gives me this artful, almost cunning, knowing, sly, foxy, wily kind of smile... then tells me oh how innocent I can be. Funny. Most people do not have that impression. Or maybe I don't have that impression of myself. As I look at my squeaky clean face though, it's easy to see. But I am not outside without all the warpaint which can look vampirically evil. I can talk about sex very candidly, and good girls don't do that either. I still think that married men and their romps is a very interesting subject indeed. Then again, is it all whitewashing a virgin wall in pink, blue and green? I'm not sure, I've never thought of it before.

It's my time

Yet again I'm thinking of another song. I'm not sure whether euphoria is what causes my brain to think of songs, because shrinks are usually so stupid in the musical field. Not all of them, well all except for one. I love this one, I can talk about shoes and cosmetics and hairstyles with him, as well as the psychological aspect. But this time it's not Demicoli, sorry Joe. It's all about Jade Ewan's Eurovision entry. Because I've hibernated long enough, I've been behind closed doors long enough, I've been scared to open the door for too long, letting the doorbell ring. Only one friend was brave enough to keep ringing the doorbell, and when I still didn't open, call my home phone, my cell phone, until I finally opened. And he took my hand when everybody else looked at me as if I were carrying the Black Death. And I love this friend, quality friend, he is in my heart forever and I will do anything for him. He has done everything for me. And I hope he will be eternally happy for all his selfless doings. He is incidentally a male friend, but no, no hanky panky this time. Funny and not funny. But sometimes two people of the opposite sex can really bond with kisses and hugs... fullstop. I've been down for too long now, the fear dissolved, and '' I've got the will, I've earned the right''... to shine. It's my time now.

I've survived

I have probably had the most restful night in five years. So peaceful. And I've woken up smiling and all jittery in the good kind of way. This is the reverse of intense sadness, it's called intense joy, not just happiness, but joy. Now I know why they sing joyful joyful. Although I still don't like it very much either. What I really like and what really is appropriate right now is I Will Survive. That is, Joe Demicoli's version. And that is just what's blaring out of my laptop right now. Because as is the norm right now, everything happening has to be linked to Demicoli. Better still, it's my brain which links it to him. And his I Will Survive gives me power, somehow. And that is something I haven't felt in a very long time. If only I could press pause on this feeling, I'd die a very happy woman. But I cannot do that, and as everything in life, feelings come and go. I just wish this feeling came more often and went less often. But I am not complaining. And in a funny sort of way I too can hear the angels totally out of tune. But that's ok. Because that's what they are employed to do. At least in Malta. And they're not white angels, they don't have wings either. Now their God is dead. What happens now? I can think of a million things, but right now I'm too happy to be wasting time on all the out-of-tune angels. Because I've survived to tell the tale. And I'm none the worse for it either.