If only...

This laptop of mine has proved to be the present anybody gave me. And to think I was so rude about it. I opened it, looked blankly, put it in back again, and placed it in a cupboard for it to see the dark for six long months. That is exactly the degree I go to when faced with change. It can get worse than that. I don't know why. Anyway I start becoming envious of everybody carrying their laptop and being able to be 'there' everywhere they go. And I suddenly remember that I have a hell of a laptop, which is sitting in the dark. Poor laptop. So I gingerly take it out, and try. Big failure. When you're trying something new, and your mind is subconsciously resisting it, there is no way you're winning. But I did win, and now am able to carry it like all the other people. Ok, I wish it were pink, but that doesn't sound like reason enough to buy another one. And then, another one would mean change again. No, I'm staying put with my Dell. And I'm not thinking happy things, but facts. Facts aren't always happy. Neglect. Oh God how bad that can be. It's a knife in the soul of innocent ones who hope to get better. It makes them probably scream inside, but there is nobody to hear them. They're doomed. It's the truth, I am not trying to make up the basis for a sad novel, although there would be plenty to write. The air is oppressive and it does nothing to take my mind off those people who are hoping, and hoping, the same people who finally stop hoping and vegetate because their dignity has been stripped, through neglect. And I hope the people responsible rot in hell. Because if I even had the doubt that a little person was being treated in half the same way, I'd go ahead and do something, even if it were just telling that perfect man who would instantly understand and move mountains if necessary. That same man who crops up time and time again, if only he knew what a good role model he is. But he probably doesn't know, such is his humbleness. Then I also know big men, who have no idea what humbleness means and go about with an ego so big that it becomes dangerous. But then again, the bigger the ego, the less the self esteem, or so I have heard lately. Just like bullies, they are just about beings trying to feel superior because they cannot live with the inferiority they feel. What a complex world, or perhaps we human beings make it all the more complex. Power, money, manhood, womanhood (just for it to be equal). And the less fortunate ones are under their thumb, wasting day by day. Just because there is nobody like that perfect man in this sphere. If only there were. If only...

OCD-ing

OCD. The three letters which have me in despair. Because they're used oh so loosely as if they were funny three letters stuck together for laughter's sake. For the real sufferers, they're painful of course. For me, I think I have an OCD life, I breathe the three letters to perfection. I even OCD sleep if that were possible, because I don't sleep much seeing that I keep leading the OCD lifestyle. Right now, I have got into the habit of biting the inside of my lower lips. All the time. And come nightfall, I swear it's the last time I'll be doing it. Yet, come morning I go into relapse. But that is also nothing compared to the real OCD. I get all kinds of them, right now, it's the diamond OCD, which is the best of them all. I keep designing, re designing my diamond. I'm calling it my OCD diamond, because it has to have a name and it sounds like a very fitting name from where I am writing. It'll be a big fat diamond, for many reasons. For one, I have never understood why diamonds come in a 0.01 carat. Why break a lovely think like a diamond into such tiny pieces? The girl who consents to wearing such a farce of a diamond must be in dire need of therapy. Because just to take the truth out of it, it'll be called a delicate, simple, dainty thing. I don't want delicate, or dainty. And the last thing I want is to be called simple. So come off it you men, dig down into your pockets... and pay the price. Another reason why I have to have a big one (diamond I mean), I'm not small myself, and that is one reason why God created big girls, to be able to show off big stones unashamedly. I need at least a 2.5 and that's the minimum. Of course I'll have a bigger one (diamond again). Size isn't an issue? Oh of course it's an issue, the bigger the better. So come Tuesday, I'm off for a biggie... a big diamond that is. Perhaps then that would also mean the end of my OCD. Two killed with one big one.

Fundraising

I have realised that I have a blog backlog. Apologies to all. I probably just found myself having so much to do I wasn't even aware of it. But it feels so much like home here and now I am aware of the abstinence. Well, what was so important? Probably it was something which I was dreading and making it more important than it really was. A family wedding, that's a big shudder. I don't like weddings very much. No, I like fairytale stories, and living happily ever after tales. I love romance, I love seeing it on other people's faces. Romance is good because it pushed the happy hormones. At least I think it does. I wouldn't know if weddings actually made the happy hormones tick too. I haven't yet had my own. And there's good reason for that. I think the ritual is too long, too expensive, not for me. I could do it in jeans in 15 minutes and that would be fine. But even then, there is too much to prepare. Cana's family planning something. Which is a farce, would be a farce where we are concerned. After living happily ever after for 6 years together and emerging childless, then shouldn't we be given credit and let off the hook for that one? No, that's not what the Church thinks. So I push the whole thing to the back of my mind. I'm not one for white either. I'm fine. But it has occurred to me just how much money I could make out of a wedding. I call it fundraising. Because since we don't need furniture, white goods, nothing because we already have it all, then I could make a big profit. And what's a day of embarrassment against a big profit? Not torture really. I think I could just about grin and bear it and think of the Euro sign all the time. And thus the Math comes in, 100Euro per couple.... times a lot of couples. I am sure that certain people would make a no-show, because we're living in sin, sin, sin. And sex, sex, sex. I guess I'd better start looking into chapels so I can get rid at least of the sin, hopefully not of the sex. It's all in the name of fundraising.