Angelic

So let me put Jade apart for a moment. Thinking about her is not doing me any good, it's not as if I can bring her back to life. If that were possible I think she'd use her 4 million estate. But death doesn't discriminate between the poor and the rich. So, anyway.

I have come across (finally!) a beautiful boy with a beautiful angelic voice. And it isn't the childish kind of voice. It is well rounded, nicely finished, and again a beautiful voice. It is also perfectly in tune, in time and in heaven. It is that angelic boys which English church choir-directors try very hard to find. Boys like that do not come in hundreds. I know that. But I have always secretly thought when it would happen in the course of these last four years. It's finally happened. And I'm sorry, because although I do not believe in pointing little people out, I also believe that the very gifted should have their chance to shine. And this is a gift. To this little man, and also to me. And I am going to make the most of it. And I am going to be so dreadfully honest. Of course he is an asset to me. Of course he makes my life so easy. At the same time, would I rest knowing that this man wouldn't have his chance? No. It's not as if I prefer him, although I have to admit that a little man being so brilliant has me in awe, and yes he is also a cutie. I have tried to be as careful as possible. I have tried explaining why I just had to select this young man. I hope I have been successful. Because I love all little people. It's just that I know a good one when I see one.

In Mourning

I have been hiding, grieving, and in mourning for Jade. This has hit me right frontal. And I just have not been able to write. It's never a good sign when I am not here, and it's taken me all the effort in the world to take the plunge and come here again. I never thought it would be this hard. Which is not such a good thing. I thought that I had exhausted the dead people issue. But this is showing me I haven't even gone closer to the subject one bit. I really thought and still think that I am not scared of death. Or perhaps I like to think that. If a close family member had departed to the other world, I would have understood the sadness. But Jade? What is it about Jade that is making me feel miserable? I don't know. Perhaps it's because I think it's such a waste of a life. Perhaps because I think it's such an ironic cruel blow dealt to a girl who finally made it from rags to riches to six feet under. It is also about a girl whom I could identify with, with her hot temper landing her into trouble. And it makes me think about her kids. At 27 she's left 2 kids. If I died and went to heaven now, I'd leave nothing. I'd probably leave pain, but that's about it. And it's such a hard nut to swallow. But it is what it is.