Denise

It's been ten years since I last saw my pretty cousin Denise. That was the day she was gone forever, at 18 in a car crash. Today she'd have been 28. I look back on and see the grief. Such a waste of a life. And I can only repeat what I read during her funeral, bearing in mind her white coffin.
When somebody dies, a cloud turns into an angel, and flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow. A bird gives the message back to the world and sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry. People disappear, but they never really go away. The spirits up there put the sun to bed, wake up the grass, and spin the earth in dizzy circles. Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the day-time, when they're supposed to be sleeping. They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets and make waves splash and tug at the tide. They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes. And when they sing windsongs, they whisper to us, don't miss me too much. The view is nice and I'm doing just fine.

Homeworks

I was just flipping through HomeWorks magazine (distributed by The Times of Malta) and I just sighed sighed sighed. How is it possible for people to live in houses and have such perfection, law and order? It baffles me completely. My twin is the same, probably that was one reason (among many others) why he too was featured on the same magazine. I too have a house. And it's a beautiful one... i.e. when the maid has been. She knows how to restore a battlefield into the Santa Sede. I can only live with clutter which is so strange, seeing that people deem me as a perfectionist. My therapist thinks I am way too a perfectionist for my own good, but that is because he has never seen my kitchen table. And neither have I. And the moment I decide to make an effort and clean up my act, then I cannot find things because I've stored them diligently and my brain forgets all that is diligent. So I sit here and dream and wonder why? And do nothing about it.

The Whip

I just screamed. And no, not because of big Oh Yes. I just made my mission impossible possible. I finally found my two pants which I have been looking for for three days. And they were just under my nose. Shit, what a waste of energy. So that makes me not irritated anymore but it still doesn't stop my wanting to take a man down with a whip or two. Funny side of gentle old me this. I'd never harm anybody but then when it suddenly turns sexy, and when suddenly some man (or woman) proves to need a lesson, I cannot stop. And teachers make good subjects for this. They always know it better, they are authoritative, they are just perfect. Perfect for being taken down with a couple of welts. Not all of course, some are really nice people, just the ones who push it too far. Because discipline is one word which takes me into a whole new world. I do not know how to discipline little people. But I do know how to discipline adults if I had the chance. But most times I do not have the chance so I do a little day-dreaming. It satisfies me and hurts nobody outside the dream. So that makes it harmless enough. And as I look in the mirror that is placed right in front of me, I ask, should I be taken down with a peg or two? I think not, because I'm way too perfect and I have to be the one who rules with the whip, sometimes imaginary, sometimes not.

Dream again

I had yet another funny dream. It's so funny because in the dream itself I kept comparing myself to my cat. Five years ago my cat had four kittens. And in my dream I had four babies. So strange. I wasn't even amazed at four babies, I kept thinking it was all normal because it was exactly like my cat. Now... it's macabre. Four babies? Geeze, how the hell would I cope? But it was so easygoing in my dream, it was as if the babies could be programmed. And about dream interpretation... no, it is not my biological clock ticking. It can tick as much as it likes, there is nothing I can do. I was not born to bide by the biological clock. If I had, it would have happened long ago, and as it is, I'm not really one of those poor women who would like to rock the world to have a child. My lifestyle does not permit babies, and I'm ok with that. Babies shouldn't have deviant mothers, and I deviate somehow in a lot of spheres. Not as in the wrong cruel kind of deviant, but deviant just the same. Mothers as supposed to be with their offspring day and night, and I couldn't do that. Nobody can do that when they live like me. So what is this? Do I want four more kittens? Do I think I am a cat? And why 4? What's the connection?