Doctor's office

I am being hurried my by grand old Mister because he wants to go out for dinner. Fine, that will happen after I write my entry here. Not before, because no this time it cannot really wait. I am thinking... do I have a 'I can help you' sign sprawled over my face our what? Why do suffering human being seem to suddenly fall into my lap? Why does it happen to helpless me? So I was at the doctor's office, which type of doctor I will not specify, waiting there so happy with my new hairstyle. Up comes this woman who looks as me and instantly starts crying. Geeze am I terrifying looking or what? Have I done something wrong? She was a complete stranger. Yet she suddenly broke down completely. Now I do not have an MD degree, but really it didn't require a degree to figure out this woman was in a hell of a lot of pain. Through her incoherent tears she was coherently saying she was extremely sad and she wanted to die. Oh hell no, this wasn't happening. But it was, and as if on remote, I just got up, took her by the shoulder sat her down, took her hand and hugged her. And this is reserved me. But I could not be unmoved by her sheer pain, she was shaking. Yep there it all was, she was severely depressed, severely agitated, severely frightened all in the same amounts. How was she alone? She just blurted her whole life story, seems life has treated her very very badly. But I looked into her eyes, and there it was a hint of the psychotic. Whatever it was, this poor girl was in pain, so I could only hold her, reassure her. And since she cried because she wasn't sure if she had enough money for the doctor, I just gave it to her. Now I know, scams are all over the place, but this was no scam. Nobody could be in that much pain for money. It was all too real, and let's just say she was at the correct doctor's office too. It hurt me, so so so much. Because there was very little chance of calming her down. I just talked, cuddled her, hugged her did whatever came to my mind. And she finally relented and became sane for a moment. And it hurt me more, because this wasn't a case of it could be me, but rather she was the I eight years ago. And I tried telling her, look look, I have been there and it gets better, it really does. I don't know if she believed me, what she told me would have made people scurry off as a frightened mouse. Not me. Because I've seen it all, heard it all, felt it all. And it made me stop for a moment, oh God this was me, this is what I looked like and it wasn't pretty. And I suddenly understood why people were scared of me. They weren't scared of me, but scared of the pain which was in me. As it happened, I kept her talking, till my appointment time was in, then realised I'd better give her my place and wait some more. She was even scared of the doctor. Now this doctor is nothing to look at, but so so kind. And I tried telling her that, you're not going to see Brad Pitt, but you're going to see a kind man who will not ill-treat you. What a strange thing to think, going to a doctor you're scared of. But everything is real in a depressed world with psychotic tendencies as well as suicidal thoughts. I led her to the doctor's room, gave him one look.. he understood. I winked and told him, you're going to be kind and be extra careful with this girl right? Right. He totally understood, I was saying nothing to him but saying something for her to calm her down. And I sat down, and cried. I couldn't stop. So bad was the hurt. Pretty blond green eyed girls shouldn't be in that state in the first place. And I waited for her to emerge, she was visibly better and by that time her boyfriend has arrived, a good boyfriend whom I talked to, a good kind man. I don't know what else happened to that girl. I gave my number to her boyfriend just in case. Because as life would have it she lives so close by. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had been the doctor, not sure if I would have taken the risk. But I'm still thinking about her. I hope she has calmed down, I hope her pain will be not too big to bear. I hope for a lot of things. And it's still hurting me. I know that Doc has done the best he could. It still hurts. Because today I looked into the mirror and went down memory lane. And it has been a shock. And a bigger shock, because I have healed so well. I hope the girl heals as well. Because she is God's daughter too.

Weddings

Weddings. How I hate them. I hate them so much that I haven't even gone and carried out my own. That's as much as I hate them. I do not hate the commitment part per se, although I have my reservations, but I hate the white white white hustle and bustle with a vengeance. I hate the all things virgin, white flowers, white nails, white dresses. When really why is it so important to be virgin? Does virgin deserve such a lavish wedding party? If so, then my party will consist of hobz biz-zejt, which really sounds very attractive to me. And then, the worst possible most unattractive thing of all, a groom all in white. That sucks. I would never want to marry a Holy Communion Boy. Not that I have anything against Holy Communion, but I want a man man man, not a man in a pageboy outfit. Oh but that's because the groom is a virgin too. I didn't think of that one before. Now that one really sucks. Now that is so dishonest. Are there any virgin brides left? Any virgin grooms? I sincerely hope not. My first time was nothing to shout about, but at least that's happened 20 years ago and I can put it behind me as part of my childhood (yes it is childhood, because that's what I was, a child back then). But putting it as a start to married life? Oh hell no. Just as I'd have the wedding rehearsal then I would have the sex rehearsed too. But it still is supposed to be virgin, well at least for your first marriage. What I just cannot imagine is, suddenly sharing a bed with someone, suddenly having sex with someone. God, just imagine all the fumbling about. Is it here.? emm no, here? No. Here? No, Here. No again. Forget it. But then that's what you would expect out of a white wedding. Thing is, why all the glee about virgin? It's not as if it give you a feather in you cap, but better still a feather in your thingy? Would I have loved to marry my first boyfriend all in white? Thank God that didn't happen, he's in some cell somewhere. Really. But then I could never have married my first boyfriend as a virgin because....yes I loved the bad ones. Second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh... I have lost count. And I couldn't have married most of them because they were already married. Yes I loved the adrenaline rush of doing what you're not supposed to. I'll always have to admit that being a mistress is something every woman should try. Do not fall in love though, so you will not end up broken hearted every time his missus has a headache. Now thinking about me, that means that I know all about married life, from the other side. I will have no trouble sleeping with the man I marry because he'll be then a married man and I have plenty, plenty, plenty of experience as sleeping with married men. True I sound like a bitch, but then I will always recommend that it's good to be a bitch as least for one time in your life. Now, I'm no bitch anymore, although there is perhaps some residue of the past. Weddings again, maybe I will spare you mine, and you've got to kiss my feet for that (mistress residue).