The L-Word

It's back to my old faithful blog. It's becoming quite old, poor blog, but it's the best therapy of all. It's just as good as 10 years spent on the couch. Problem is, a shrink would hold his tongue and not inform anybody of what you've been telling him. As it is, my data-protection-act rubbish is not being very respected either. Another thing my blog is good for, and that is letting off steam. What I say here is read, I know that, and I don't care a hoot. I just hope that whoever reads it can learn something, because more often then not, they're people with no blood running in their veins. I keep thinking of the Wizard of Oz. Now I am not exactly keen on that, but I remember the Tin Man who summed it up all so neatly in his statement ... For once I had brains, and a heart also, and having tried them both, I would much rather have a heart. Brilliant words which have stuck to me like a good dream.

I am fed up by the bureaucracy which doesn't work. I have had more than enough of the bull*&^% of people who say they have studied this and that and got a degree in this and that. I too have degrees, but degrees do not make a good or a bad person. They don't even make them intelligent people at that. Now if someone got a degree in compassion and empathy, I would be all for them. But it seems nobody is interested in that. The real truth is that the l-word does not come from any College or University. Not even from Harvard. Or Yale. I can safely say from experience, (yes it's making me sound ancient but who cares), the human race could learn so much from animals. The minute some kind of pain is inflicted on you... that's the minute everybody flies out the door. It's that simple. The world doesn't wait for you to get a grip, you just have to get your grip on your own.

When did love stop being a good thing and start being nasty? Whenever was love a sure thing to throw someone in jail? What's this happening? Why am I made to feel guilty because I love someone or something? Isn't love the purest thing that can be found on the planet? Why ever was I taught that love was a virtue? Why are so many songs written about love, if love is something bad? It's just not fair. I know the world's not fair, but this is becoming outrageous. And it takes a lot of patience not to react. I should be able to kick someone's ass, but I cannot. I am not a violent person anyway. So I just act it out in my mind, which is the next best possible thing. I am not sure I have the strength to fight back. Life has exhausted me of a lot of that. I don't want to fight. I just want what is the best for little people. And no, I am not a hateful girl.

But with me there is one cardinal rule. Do not dig up my past because I will not tolerate it. Do not try and shove me around and say I deserve to be hanged, because dear God, I will react. Dragging up someone's painful past will get you nowhere. Because that is where I will put the last inch of strength I have. It is only us who have known real suffering who can use the l-word liberally. We mean it, a 100%. Because it is always the heavily wounded who can love as in real love.

H is for Holistic

H can stand for so many things, but right now I am thinking about the holistic approach. This is another not-my-fault-thing. When both your parents happen to be teachers (and it's not always such a good idea), you tend to fall right into the holistic approach trap, and then yes, that is a swell idea. Dad has always gone for holism with us, during the 40+ year he spent at school. It really works. Incidentally, dad is one person who has never grown up either. I have never heard him uttering that he's off to work. Never. Rather, he's always said, he's off to school, like a diligent school-boy. It's probably why he has never grown up, loves life... and children. He is a born educator, and that will never change. Once a teacher... always a teacher. If only the philosophy of education was geared towards finding a love for living and learning (not necessarily in that order). All through my 35 years plus the 7 months spent in total seclusion with my brother in my mother's womb, life has knocked me up quite a bit. But perhaps once you have an inherent passion for love, relationships, and a reverence for life, somehow you'll make it. I have made it, when everybody else was throwing in the towel in exasperation. How, I haven't a clue. But having good role models may have a say in that. Looking back at my childhood, it would have probably been a very good idea to stay in childhood where everything was so nice, when I got cuddled, when dad told me I was his little princess. I still am a princess to him,the only thing which has changed is that I'm ahem not very little anymore. I suppose I could go to Arani Issa and have all the works done, but oh no there's no way I'll put myself into such suffering, Liposuction, as the word suggests, sucks. Big time. It is a painful business. True it turns people into models overnight, but oh God the pain. I've been there, done that, will never do that again.

Back to holism. It would be such a wonderful thing if we threw all our Math logbooks away, concentrated on the beauty of art and literature, and started to feel. We all have feelings, my problem is that I cannot understand why noble feelings are being perceived as wrong. I have given up on the understanding, because somewhere somehow, my grey matter cannot explain it. We have eliminated the rod, well done for that. But in doing so we have also eliminated the power of the touch, of human contact, of humane contact. We suddenly are expected to become robotic creatures without a scrap of emotion. Sorry, it's not on, it's not me, and I cannot learn this no matter how hard I try. I have worked in the 'feeling' world for too long. Opera, oratorios, soundtracks... they all provide a good space for emotions. And if only we could somehow include that into the teaching and the learning, then that would make sure that the next generation would finally have learned something good, for good.

Shoes, diamonds, and magic

I have been doing one of my favourite things in the world... shopping. Yes I am a shopaholic, one of the text book kind of. And I've done quite well today too. The problem with me is that I get to start working at the unearthly hour of 8.30 am, and that doesn't leave me with much choice of what to wear. I can barely kick myself out of bed by half seven, and even then it's so many coffees. I suck at going to sleep, and then I suck at being able to get up. It's always been hard this getting up thing. When I lived with my mum it was worse, she'd try and force me to get up by 7. 7 am!! Who in the world can expect to get up at such a time and function? Not me. I am not a day person, but come 10pm I suddenly have the energy of a bull. That is a severe problem, because half of the world are getting ready to sleep when for me it just feels as if I've got up. Crazy crazy world. We should have the leisure of choosing which time we work, play, and sleep. But I am not the Prime Minister of the big blue marble (not yet), so I have to follow directions.

Anyhow, still deliberating on the I do/ I don't thing. There it is, another thing I'm not good at, that is taking decisions. I keep going over the what if's several thousand of times a day. Because it means change, and change is scary. Change is the devil we don't know. But I am tired of the funny looks I get when I never mention a 'boyfriend' instead of a 'husband'. There is also the fear factor of the past coming back down on me with a vengeance. It really shouldn't, and statistically it definitely shouldn't. But what if? So many questions. And so many girls sail right through them, they probably never even stop to ask themselves because wearing a nice (that's up for interpretation) dress and being princess (that's also up for interpretation) for a day is something they've been dreaming of all along. What did I dream of? Diamonds and shoes. That's it. I own more than 500 pairs of shoes, and well, as for the diamonds, I'm not getting one everyday, but it's enough for me.

So now I'm staring at the bought goods. The problem is, I have no space to put them away. My spare bedroom/ walk-in closet is full enough as it is. And no matter how many shoes I buy, I still keep thinking of the glass crystal slipper which I can never find outside of fairy tales. But then fairy tales are just the mind's safety valve which convinces me that somewhere out there, the magic is still there. I just have to find my way to it.