Back here to my safety zone. There should be a Nobel Prize for the one who thought of inventing blogs in the first place. Why is it called a blog, really it's a haven for me.
So yet more change, school changes. Which I should be happy about for it really is just a 5 minute walk away, more time to sleep in the morning. But it's yet another new place which will smell of disinfectant and starch coming from diligently pressed school uniforms. Ii love and hate smells, I love talcum powder smells, it is so comforting. I hate disinfectant smells, it's so clinical and hospital related. Same way as I love my Clinique Happy, it makes you happy the instant you wear it, even if it's a false sense of happiness. Now I have quite a collection of fragrances, really I could put Frank's Perfumery to shame, I also have a vast knowledge of them, what I like, what I dislike. Smells are so important. I love smelling my cats, they smell of sun. And touch is important. I dislike being touched, hugged, but then I like touching, not touching people, but touching different kinds of material, suede, leather, fur (I love fur), satin, I love touching the nice things, the comforting ones and the stimulating ones. I mean what fun is there in touching plain old cotton and plain old wood, although the smell of freshly cut wood is a nice one too. Oh and touching my cats, is so so so nice, especially when I see how much they trust me, these cats love me totally, and no it's not just because I feed them gourmet food. Cats are not selfish creatures, I have been very sick once and they didn't leave my bedside, all trying to purr me to good health. Maybe cats are like kids, it depends on how you raise them, and a lot of love normally seems to be vital in them growing up to be caring.
So come tomorrow I'll land out of nowhere at a new place. All this new, when I get irritated if somebody even moves a chair by a few millimetres. This is like a gypsy job going from one place to another. Of course it has it's pros, travelling takes some time, and that's time away to my own. I'm strange, I suppose I was born strange and haven't changed much. I am so thankful that there are not many mind reader around, they'd think I was looney or something. I'm not, it's just that thoughts have flooded my world since I could think, and yes I remember thinking and being a 4 year old.
So where does the settlement come in. Nowhere. I feel like a nomad, and at the same time, it suits me this way. No time to get close to anyone. I know I must look like a very ungrateful wrench, if people try befriending this girl, well they will be in for a hard time. Unknowingly I keep testing the waters, stretching them beyond limits, and the very nice ones still stay.... incredible stuff.
It's a Sunday, so my mum will be waiting for me for lunch. Mum and dad, another two people who love me and whom I probably could treat better. But I'm like mum, loving to a fault but not physically expressing all lovey-dovey emotions. Hugs make me cringe, kisses.... if I could I would straight away wash a kiss with soap and water, wherever the kiss has been placed, even if it's the innocent kiss from heaven.
I keep writing in this blog and watching what my cousins write. Madonna somewhere somehow the blood line is strong. I think they would understand. Miriam forever head up somewhere, Elizabeth, more grounded but still preoccupied with thinking. We all have the same bottom lines somehow, we all have grand pretty feminine names, talk about blood being thicker than water.
So yet more change, school changes. Which I should be happy about for it really is just a 5 minute walk away, more time to sleep in the morning. But it's yet another new place which will smell of disinfectant and starch coming from diligently pressed school uniforms. Ii love and hate smells, I love talcum powder smells, it is so comforting. I hate disinfectant smells, it's so clinical and hospital related. Same way as I love my Clinique Happy, it makes you happy the instant you wear it, even if it's a false sense of happiness. Now I have quite a collection of fragrances, really I could put Frank's Perfumery to shame, I also have a vast knowledge of them, what I like, what I dislike. Smells are so important. I love smelling my cats, they smell of sun. And touch is important. I dislike being touched, hugged, but then I like touching, not touching people, but touching different kinds of material, suede, leather, fur (I love fur), satin, I love touching the nice things, the comforting ones and the stimulating ones. I mean what fun is there in touching plain old cotton and plain old wood, although the smell of freshly cut wood is a nice one too. Oh and touching my cats, is so so so nice, especially when I see how much they trust me, these cats love me totally, and no it's not just because I feed them gourmet food. Cats are not selfish creatures, I have been very sick once and they didn't leave my bedside, all trying to purr me to good health. Maybe cats are like kids, it depends on how you raise them, and a lot of love normally seems to be vital in them growing up to be caring.
So come tomorrow I'll land out of nowhere at a new place. All this new, when I get irritated if somebody even moves a chair by a few millimetres. This is like a gypsy job going from one place to another. Of course it has it's pros, travelling takes some time, and that's time away to my own. I'm strange, I suppose I was born strange and haven't changed much. I am so thankful that there are not many mind reader around, they'd think I was looney or something. I'm not, it's just that thoughts have flooded my world since I could think, and yes I remember thinking and being a 4 year old.
So where does the settlement come in. Nowhere. I feel like a nomad, and at the same time, it suits me this way. No time to get close to anyone. I know I must look like a very ungrateful wrench, if people try befriending this girl, well they will be in for a hard time. Unknowingly I keep testing the waters, stretching them beyond limits, and the very nice ones still stay.... incredible stuff.
It's a Sunday, so my mum will be waiting for me for lunch. Mum and dad, another two people who love me and whom I probably could treat better. But I'm like mum, loving to a fault but not physically expressing all lovey-dovey emotions. Hugs make me cringe, kisses.... if I could I would straight away wash a kiss with soap and water, wherever the kiss has been placed, even if it's the innocent kiss from heaven.
I keep writing in this blog and watching what my cousins write. Madonna somewhere somehow the blood line is strong. I think they would understand. Miriam forever head up somewhere, Elizabeth, more grounded but still preoccupied with thinking. We all have the same bottom lines somehow, we all have grand pretty feminine names, talk about blood being thicker than water.
