Hiding

I have just a few minutes before I start getting ready as one of my best friends ever is coming along with his girlfriend and her daughter. I know this friends extremely well, I know his girlfriend a little bit, but I don't know her daughter. And that makes me uncomfortable. I am just hoping for the best and assuming that the daughter is one of those easy to be with little people. What I don't know is why I feel so out of place the minute someone new is coming along. It's not about the size, age or shape of new people. It's just because they're new, and so I am going to turn into what will probably be the strangest human being on the planet. I don't know why this happens, but it happens. And it's not some odd thing that is happening now. I remember, I was probably four years old, and I remember hiding behind my dad (I could still hide comfortably behind him at that age) whenever he met someone he knew. It killed me then, it kills me now. It's kills me worse now, because I cannot hide behind my dad. That would be the day. And all this drama, all this fear of a young girl, when I meet so many young girls while earning a living. It's amazing, all this time and I haven't tackled it yet. And I try ti find an answer as to where this fear is coming from, and why. I have no answer, I just know that it's there. It is not present in my dad, not in my twin, and not even in the Mister. It's present in my mother though, and I hate to admit that there is so much of her in me while we look as if we could have come from the North and the South pole. And then, it's not as if I haven't been used to audiences. But that is different, once I take the stage then there is no fear, and no shyness. Which is even stranger seeing that an audience will be packed with strange, odd, and new people whom I will not know. But it makes all the difference. Is it because of the harsh lighting? So as a cure, do I have to start carrying some sort of bland lighting?

Anyway time's up, I have to get ready. Hopefully I'll make it back here safely and see how it all went.

The first day of the year

Everyone's shouting a happy new year. But it's only been a 12 hours and something since it was yesterday, and just those 12 hours and something seem to have turned people into screaming the happy new year at the top of their voices. Which is fine. But how do they know it's going to be a happy new year? I am trying not to be a spoilsport but the fact that it's now January; well I don't like January. I am actually scared of January because it's new and I don't like new things (except for shoes and jewellery) because I take time getting used to new things. And I see the whole year stretch before me, and it's all so unknown and I just don't like it. Of course, rationally, I do know how to reason that it could take any day of the year to change one's life, but there is something about January. Although I'm not even taking into reason that change could be good. But I don't like change very much. It's too scary. Today is the devil I know, tomorrow and the rest of the year is the devil I do not. Or it could be an angel, in which case I'd opt for it, but one can never be sure. And this is all sounding like the half-empty glass. But I'm content with what I have and I don't want it to change, that's all. And then again, it's going to change, into a lot of commitment. Because it's 2009 and it'll be my turn to party when I don't like parties. But it's silly, it's not as if someone's going to rush me off my feet and into a matrimonial house. I guess I have done things in reverse. But it couldn't be helped. And I have no dowry, never have had, never will, except if you can think of dowry as in cash, then yes I have had my share already. I do not need to be lifted over the front door step. It'd cost thousands in physiotherapy money anyway, I could go holidaying around the world with that money. I do not know why I have done it in reverse, it's just that I have, and I'm not at all sorry I have. I have never had matching sheets, matching cushions, and matching whatevers. I do have matching curtains, upholstery, plates, and that is a wonder in itself. It hasn't been my doing, but the Mister's doing because I am no good at house holding or housekeeping. But there are matching interests, matching intellect (I know it's a brag but it's the truth), matching love for things, and matching love for little people. It's just I've never got around to it yet. Or perhaps I have but I don't want to start ranting and raving about the deviant system on the first day of the year. We'll see.