Resolutions

I am going to try and do a lot of things. I am going to try and get a new life, in a lot of ways. One way will be, I shall try and be more assertive. I let too many things go by. But then sometimes it isn't very much worth it. Another, I shall try and wake up at a decent hour. I cannot say I will go to sleep at a decent hour since sleep is never easy and I have to wait for it to perhaps give me hints on its arrival. I shall try not to hide anymore, because although I try to hide I don't think I'm doing a great job at it, and I can think of nothing as big as to hide under or behind or on top of it. I shall try and burn more calories, ideally by less food at 11pm because that when my love affair with food goes horribly wrong. My colleagues bring so much food to work, I don't. I give food a miss until 11pm when I really am awake. There is no point in eating when you're sleepy during the day and not hungry. But come 11pm, oh that is when the food door is open. Food and me. It's such a strange relationship. It's exactly as if I have an ongoing affair, I wait for 11pm, that would be the time a lover can get away from the wife and come to the mistress. And that is when food says viola` and starts looking inviting and then I suddenly want more, although I don't take food to bed because I love my bed too much and I'm certainly not filling it with crumbs which would then disable the sleep. So I shall try and look people in the eye and say what I think of them, because the result would be that I'd be burning calories in heated arguments. I shall try and not smoke as much, the problem is that I enjoy smoking too much. But I know it's filling my lungs with dreadful things which I'd rather not talk about. So I shall try and enjoy the rest of my 'single' life living a less harmful pattern. I don't have much time.

The girl

So let me put all the sadness apart. I've remembered something which really is getting under my skin. A girl. No, not a girl as in little people girl. A girl, perhaps 16, who behaves just as a one year old child with potential criminal behaviour. She is also the bossiest female I've ever encountered. Now I do not think that degrees and doctorates give anybody permission to boss anybody about, but someone who cannot spell the word circular correctly has no right to be bossy either. And they smile, a smile with flushed cheeks. It is outrageously disgusting and makes me want to slap the cheeks silly so that perhaps they can wake up and smell the disgust. I do not think that proper schooling is what makes or breaks a person, but I do think that proper behaviour clinches the deal. Calling little people, and I quote, 'Satan's crosses', (and there I always thought Satan was an opponent to the Cross) is something which made me shudder in the chair I was sitting on. My ears (and yes my listening is very finely tuned although they are small little ears) informed my brain that something was wrong. My eyes (and yes I can still see properly enough through my specs) informed my brain that this girl just needed a good old hiding. And yes I have complained, I still stand up to be spoken, I will not complain while smiling cheesily behind another's back. And my complaints have produced and even cheesier answer, oh because she's so young miskina. Miskina? Is being 16 an excuse to behave like Eva Brown, is being 16 a good excuse for being stupid, is being 16 another excuse for not being able to write the word circular? Hell, no. And if 16 is an excuse for being childish, then how about being childlike and not childish? Sorry but I see no miskina. I see someone who makes me seethe, someone who thinks that she is actually Eva Brown. And while Ms. Brown might have been a miskina because of her disastrous mental health, this girl is no miskina. And yet she makes the men flush, and me want to throw up. She makes the men give a head laugh and me want to throw up. some more. She makes the men talk to her gingerly and me want to throw up even more. And no, she isn't even a pretty 16 year old at that. She's a 16 year old who waves her pantie line about though. But I'm certain it's not about the pantie line for the men. If they have one saving grace, then it's not that their brains have gone fuzzy over a pantie line. Because they are good fair men, who just bow to the girl's controlling, loud-mouthed ways because they do not know how to stand up to her. The idea of one day behaving just like her to see what reaction I get is tempting. But I am an educated girl who will never call little people Satan's possessions. I will never puff and heave at the sight of a little one just having been injured at the playground. I will never have a VPL either. And I do not need to see men getting all flushed and clumsy at the sight of me. But one day, and one day soon, I am going to have my say. She will not call me, 'aw x'jismek'. If the men are fine with that, then I'm not. Because I have once been 16 and younger and was all alone in the world and had to survive. And that was not the way I went about it. No, no miskina. Maybe I'll just start by asking her how the hell she doesn't know how to spell the word circular... better still I'll ask her about her ability to spell the word 'circular' in three different ways; all incorrect of course.

Lions

Owing to the fact that I feel some sort of duty to be here, as well as owing to the fact that I know hiding will not do any good, I'm here again. And I'm thinking about lions, I'm a Leo as in zodiac stars, so I guess that makes me close enough. Lions do not sleep when faced with adversity. They protect their families and although they can feel the fear (which has somehow been measured by an anonymous someone who seems to be very respected on National Geographic), they do not walk away. Lions stay at the foremost of their pack and roar. They roar straight in the face of the enemy. Perhaps it's about time I behaved more like the lion that I am. But it's not an enemy that I'm faced with. I'm faced with adversity which is a lovely way because it explains a lot and yet doesn't give everything away. I'm also faced with PMS but that doesn't really qualify as adversity. And I haven't roared in a long time. It's time I started practising my roar too. I wonder what lionesses do. They probably hide behind their male mate, but I'm an independent girl. And I cannot hide behind my mate, because my mate is powerless in a situation like the one I have on my hands. So am I and so is everybody else. I just have to pray although I know that no amount of praying will change what has to be. And I'll try to behave like the lion.