I've been away. For plenty of reasons. One is lack of energy, another is I just stare into space and cannot get myself to type. What can I type. I am in utter confusion but it had to be done. Still cannot (and probably will never ever) understand this thing about reciprocal love. Love until it hurts, but love with your brain not your heart... so many things i've heard lately. It all reminds me of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. Now I hate The Wizard of Oz and Dorothy (what a dumb name) with her patent dolly shoes, but i had this posted on the wall when I was a little child. It was the Tin Man saying, "But once I had a heart, and a mind also, and having tried them both I'd much rather have a heart." I do not know if what I am doing is correct, it must be because everybody says so. Had there been one person who was in disagreement.... but there's not even half a one.
It's sad when you look back and think; so much energy wasted, so many feelings having been unplugged and sucked violently down the drain. I need support now more than ever, but I am a strange being, I don't like being hugged, so there's not going to be much physical support. I could have let things like they were, but then I would have woken up as a 50 year old, bitter and kicking myself for not having acted.
As always of course there have been good times. And bad. It's always like that. It is still difficult to do what I am doing, but I know there is someone up there who is watching... and if I am in default, then he will keep his promise of watching over me, and give me a sign. Anything to make me feel less like Stalin and more like Princess Di. Mother Theresa.... well that would be too far fetched. I don't know what the future holds, we never do. I suppose I have to change and try and conquer being this odd. So just a little prayer now, I need it.
It's sad when you look back and think; so much energy wasted, so many feelings having been unplugged and sucked violently down the drain. I need support now more than ever, but I am a strange being, I don't like being hugged, so there's not going to be much physical support. I could have let things like they were, but then I would have woken up as a 50 year old, bitter and kicking myself for not having acted.
As always of course there have been good times. And bad. It's always like that. It is still difficult to do what I am doing, but I know there is someone up there who is watching... and if I am in default, then he will keep his promise of watching over me, and give me a sign. Anything to make me feel less like Stalin and more like Princess Di. Mother Theresa.... well that would be too far fetched. I don't know what the future holds, we never do. I suppose I have to change and try and conquer being this odd. So just a little prayer now, I need it.
