Professions and fear

I've always known trumpeters to walk with a swagger. It's their trademark. Give me a thousand people, let me see them walk and I will pick up the only trumpeter. I can also smell a woman who thinks her life revolves around her concert mistress' chair from 20 miles off. She lives for the chair, and she'll die in that chair. Sopranos? They're the easiest. Prima donna behaviour, the walk, the talk, then they don't even sing in a general rehearsal because, as they say, they're saving it for the grand night. It's all bullshit actually, but very much accepted behaviour. Teachers? Oh good Lord, I smell them three thousand miles off. They always think they know better, their profession is one big power trip. And yes I teach too, but I'm not like that. Really, honestly. I actually have not yet decided what my profession is, and it's about time I do. My purpose in life. I don't even know that. So what makes me stay. Well, it's a twin brother who makes me stay. A twin brother who doesn't cope very well with sadness. It's my cats, my dogs who (not which no) would be very disturbed if mummy wasn't there. They eat from nobody's hands, not even if they're ravenous. It's got to be mummy and nobody else. But other professions? They're as diverse as daisies. Only daisies are somewhat pretty. Maybe I should have stuck to the daisies, but I guess I got too bored. I wanted more, and just went straight into the jungle. Strangely enough I was fearless then. Not now. Now the fear is as real as this laptop I'm typing into. One look sends me reeling into the fear ball. There's no daisies. I get jumpy and jerky. And I'm 36, I should know better. But I don't.

So gentle

I am losing track of the days of the week. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Yesterday I thought it was Saturday. Now I discover today is Tuesday. Which isn't such a bad thing seeing that I seem to have skipped Sunday, the most boring day of the week. It does feel like I'm carrying the weight of the whole world plus several planets', as if I wasn't carrying enough weight already. I wonder what would happen if I fell, probably get drawn to the centre of the world where it's so hot that it resembles hell. I think that's why a certain thinker has his own way of reminding me about the soaring temperatures down there. Or maybe he's been there already, which is plausible given what he seems to think he knows a lot about. And I'm exhausted. I must look like something the cat dragged in, only my cats don't drag anything in because they're too scared of the outdoors and since they're given plenty of TLC they won't bother. So why am I in the outdoors writing this? There must be a reason. Coffee? Nahhh have plenty at home. Hot Chocolate? Got that too at home. It's good company in the great outdoors, while being sprayed at by the tiny stretch of sea I have before me. It is like a little ocean to me. That's the thing about perception. We see what we want to see and that includes the sea. Smells so nice too. Even better than usual, because I've got one of the bestest kind of company in the world. There is nothing better for a girl to have someone hold her hand in a brilliant display of affection, yet so intimate. And although one hand is gently holding my hand reassuringly, the other is in a fist. Sign of anger, I've seen it way too many times. But I'm not scared of this fist, I know it is anger not directed at me, and I know that this fist will do me not harm. Not because it's in the public. It could be happening in the most remote part of the country where my screams would go unheard. Still, that fist would leave me unharmed. Or perhaps it would finally unfold itself slowly and become gentle too. He says he sees the fear in my eyes, which I thought were very well disguised under a mountain of black paint, I see a lot of kindness in his, which are neatly rimmed by a just a little amount of kohl. To look at us from afar we have absolutely nothing in common. Up close, there is still nothing in common that meets the eye. Just because hearts are embedded deep within, it doesn't mean they're not active. True they will not show up on camera, but they're there anyway. The amount of weight they can support is amazing. And I'm not petite. Yet this heart is still up to it. It's the heart of a very gentle-man too. I guess I'm lucky.