Should I? Shouldn't I?

There are some things in a girl's life that cause sensation. It doesn't mean that these same things cause the same degree of sensation in all girls' lives. It usually happens at the age of 25. That means I'm 10 years late already. It is also a time when 25 year old 'virgins' start buying wedding magazines as if they were the only thing in the whole world. It hasn't happened that way for me. At 25, i was way too busy doing something else. Bridal magazines have never, and will never turn me on. Don't know why, but dressing up in pure white just isn't sexy at all. It also does nothing for us who have pale white skin. And at 35, I am way past it. It's funny how things happen in life; the way tragedy gives way to healing, I didn't expect I would be good at that. But I've done it too. And when you've faced the worst in life and yet have bounced back somehow, then some things appear trivial. I was never dreaming of wearing a white lacy dress as a young girl. So many girls already had their life planned out, boyfriend, fiance`, husband, 2 kids. I've missed out on that. Perhaps it's my choice of men, and the way things progressed. But I've always run a mile from the wedding thing. I think I'm doing everything in reverse. Usually people save up to buy a house, then get married and continue saving up for their home. Not with me. It's the exact opposite, now, when I have everything I want, well do I? Don't I? Yes I've been proposed to... for the umpteenth time. And for once, it seems like the rational thing to do. For the very first time, I'm thinking rationally. And do I do it in a church, in a registry office? No idea. I am not very keen on a white dress, white is so unforgiving, black is so much easier to handle. But could I pull getting married in black? Is that bad luck or something? And how the hell does one go about organising a wedding anyway? I haven't a clue. Will getting married earn me automatic respect? Will all the sitting-pretty jokes dwindle to nothing? Will having a ring on my finger change things somehow? I guess not. Before anybody gets excited about the idea, I'm still deliberating, and no there will be no babies. At 35 I'll be risking too much. Babies have never happened, and there must be a reason for that. I could come up with a reason instantly, but let's say that anything I post on the world wide web automatically gets read by I don't know whom. No, it's not because I don't like children. I love children, most times, children are what makes my day. So no, I am not allergic to any child. If I could I would have a whole dozen. Because it's when you see the world through a child's eyes that magic is created. Will I do, or don't?

Boundaries

I seem to have a problem with boundaries. I never know when or where the start sign is, worse still, I cannot fathom out where the finish line is. I do try. Really I do. I am actually grateful that some people take time out to show me how. If it weren't for these people I'd probably go overboard. But it's still hard. Perhaps being brought up around a physically disabled person from the word go is quite responsible. We weren't angel kids, but not so bad either. Probably very active, and yet we always understood a silent code of, a disabled person comes first. We would gladly give up watching any cartoon if it meant that that person could watch something he liked. Because he couldn't move, he couldn't go anywhere, we could. And as mischievous as us twins were, we never ever pushed it. We understood. And so have we continued to understand those who are lacking something. Mum and dad made their mistakes, but in all honesty they weren't big ones either. And perhaps you really cannot blame a 24 year old mum and dad suddenly having unexpected twins hurled at them. They still think it's the best thing that ever happened to them. I do too, being a twin makes life so much easier. You always have a playmate/squabble mate. True you never ever have a birthday to call your very own, but that is such a small price to pay. Perhaps that is what has made growing into adulthood something very difficult. We automatically put someone else first, it's not our fault, perhaps twins are made of such stuff. Ok so am totally pleased to have a good-looking twin, but the real pleasure comes out of being sure you have a twin with a colossal heart. And all this music stuff, have worked in orchestras for so long, it's impossible for emotion not to get to you. Apologies but we are twins who let our heart rule. We try thinking it out laterally, or parallelled, but it's difficult. We cannot so much as kill ants, because we think the ant might have a family and if we kill one, well that could be the breadwinner. And what applies to ants also applies to little people. One wrong word could have disastrous consequences on little people. One good word, one smile, that is the best motivation. I used to think that all things done with good intent were good, things done with malignant intent were bad. But it seems there is such a fine line between them. When does something stop being good and start being bad? I don't know. But I understand that foresight is maybe the best thing of all. I'll try my best. The last thing I want to do is hurt little people. It's just too sad that human contact has flown out of the window.