I had a bad night, terrible. I just kept waking up all the time. So many strange dreams. I finally woke at 6, trying to decide if I should fully wake up or go back to bed. In the comatose state I was, I decided bed it was, then woke up at 10 feeling mad at myself. I don't like getting up so late, it sort of ruins the day. Well I can't turn back the clock, I have a terrible relationship with clocks anyway, so whatever.
My feeling today isn't good. No chirpiness, just the feeling of asking where. Where is my life going, or rather where am I going with my life. I accept responsibility but it sometimes feels like a maze. And I don't know where the entry point is let alone the exit. I think I need another Brigitte, this time a Brigitte who takes hold of my life, throws things away and puts it in order. But that Brigitte is hard to find. Perhaps the way we keep our houses mirrors the way we conduct our lives. It seems far fetched but it really looks like it. Maybe it's time to grow up too, I still think fondly of Tinkerbell and I still think fairy tales are cool. On the inside I suppose I'm still 4, on the outside it's 34 in a few days. That is why I ask where, and why didn't anybody tell me growing up wasn't easy? And why do things which are difficult for others come easy to me when the crucial things of life which others seem to walk through like a breeze so difficult for me?
I guess it's time to stop asking. I know I will never find answers, maybe it's because so much has been left unanswered and you think it's fine, you're fine, everything's fine, but it really isn't. And you know through experience (hate that word, that makes you sound old), that the world will not wait for you to catch up, that it's a jungle out there, where man eats man and you have to survive, where compassion and empathy are looked upon as fools and where selfishness wins a big trophy and where parasites are everywhere.
Maybe thinking too much is bad for the health. But I still keep thinking the first time I caught a glimpse of this jungle life when reading Hardy's 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles'. So maybe I should trade Hardy for Harvy and run away to Madrid......! Now that's some serious mood lifting!
My feeling today isn't good. No chirpiness, just the feeling of asking where. Where is my life going, or rather where am I going with my life. I accept responsibility but it sometimes feels like a maze. And I don't know where the entry point is let alone the exit. I think I need another Brigitte, this time a Brigitte who takes hold of my life, throws things away and puts it in order. But that Brigitte is hard to find. Perhaps the way we keep our houses mirrors the way we conduct our lives. It seems far fetched but it really looks like it. Maybe it's time to grow up too, I still think fondly of Tinkerbell and I still think fairy tales are cool. On the inside I suppose I'm still 4, on the outside it's 34 in a few days. That is why I ask where, and why didn't anybody tell me growing up wasn't easy? And why do things which are difficult for others come easy to me when the crucial things of life which others seem to walk through like a breeze so difficult for me?
I guess it's time to stop asking. I know I will never find answers, maybe it's because so much has been left unanswered and you think it's fine, you're fine, everything's fine, but it really isn't. And you know through experience (hate that word, that makes you sound old), that the world will not wait for you to catch up, that it's a jungle out there, where man eats man and you have to survive, where compassion and empathy are looked upon as fools and where selfishness wins a big trophy and where parasites are everywhere.
Maybe thinking too much is bad for the health. But I still keep thinking the first time I caught a glimpse of this jungle life when reading Hardy's 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles'. So maybe I should trade Hardy for Harvy and run away to Madrid......! Now that's some serious mood lifting!
