Screams

Human beings come with a set of vocal chords. They are present at birth, that's the first thing a newborn does, after being slapped on the butt. It's a disgusting practice and one which Sedqa and Appogg have not yet caught up on. I don't care if that is what a new born needs, I do not see myself slapping such a tiny creature. Poor baby. Maybe that's what happened to my butt, they spanked it too hard..... devious creatures. But as we go along in life we realise that screaming gets us a whole lot of attention. My mum says my twin screamed for his bottle. He was the wiser twin at 6 months old, I didn't scream so I would have to wait until his excellency to be tended to first; meaning my intestines grew accustomed to waiting. Funny, they don't wait now, perhaps because the tables have turned and now I'm the wiser twin? Could be. Or perhaps I already had class at six months old and thought that screaming wasn't very classy. My mum says I was an excellent baby, then something changed, according to her. Of course I changed, I don't weigh 2.2lb anymore for starters, I don't need feeding because I can do it on my own (which perhaps is not such a good thing), I don't wear diapers anymore so I don't need changing or burping. So I might still have that little bit of class left. And yet I like to scream. All righty, what does this have to do with the baby talk? Nothing and plenty. Because perhaps I discovered my vocal chords rather late in life. And once I did, I never looked back. However, it takes a something else for the screams. I'm not mad, I don't just say to myself ' Oh I feel like screaming so let me scream for fun'. I don't even sing in the shower. I think bathing is a relaxing quiet time, so if the phone rings while I'm in the shower tray, I'm not about to try go and get it while risking breaking a leg and an arm, and my neck in the whole process. I just curse the phone and will it to die die die a horrible death. Funny thing is, at 36, screams happen in the bedroom, where it's also supposed to be a relaxing place. Bed-rooms, the word says it all, bedrooms are meant for sleeping. And I need perfect silence to be able to sleep. And yet, for many women it suddenly becomes a room where to practise their vocal skills. Woman to woman, we know exactly what it means when we go in bleary-eyed to work and say in a tete-a-tete manner, 'I screamed last night'. Sometimes the tired eyes can do overtime and produce a wink. It's a knowing wink. Because screams are a good way to judge men. If a man can make a woman scream, then we bag him, we do our best to keep him. A woman doesn't just scream at her man because he's forgotten something off the shopping list. It's the way we give a judgement, a percentage, a rating. Screams are something so hard to produce. Yet if a man is responsible for the screams... then he's for keeps.