Housework

I am still in awe of today's clean sweep. My own house's clean sweep. That's all I can do about it, be in awe, stay in awe. I do sweep, it's a different kind of sweeping; I just sweep the room with a glance. That's as close as I get. And although winter will come and I will instantly wish I were a housewife when my seven alarms go off in the morning and my duvet suddenly starts looking like the biggest diamond in the world, perhaps one good reason to go to my job is to avoid any kind of housework. I just wonder how a woman who oozes perfect housework could have given birth to me. She is a natural, I, on the other hand cannot even try. I do try. I stand up, I put one hand on my hips, because I need the other to scratch my head with. That's it, I light up a cigarette and ponder until I smoke it. And sit down again. And yet with all my housework limitations, I have never had a problem with relationships. With the many men, oh God how bad that sounds, but I have to write the truth and nothing but the truth. I'm 36 and a spinster, so one would expect a spinster to have been around the block a few times, or many times. The thing is, I really think that a spotless house is either the sign of a very good maid, or that of a very boring person. I'm not even as pretty as Cinderella, so that's a good excuse not to scrub floors. And yet, with my unscrubbed floors I still haven't had a problem. So I don't cook. I don't clean. No man will ever want to make love to you just because you've polished the glass windows. I cannot see it happening. Honey, oh god, how clean the windows are, you turn me on? Nahhh. Or a honey, you're so great, the floor is spotless, now lie down you hot bitch? Perhaps it's the reason why I stay unmarried. I am not marriage material, and it seems men know it. They have sussed out that they will never walk into a squeaky or not squeaky clean house ever. I will not have been slaving over a stove either. So that makes me the hot bitch lying down. Take it from me, lying down is so much less of an effort.