Dignity

Some things are best left dormant. Some others are best left 'forgotten'. But then, it's a heart over mind thing. My heart is scared it will not cope. My stubborn mind says, go for it. No I am not talking about a love affair with a man or a woman. It's the love affair that started very very long ago, I was perhaps 4. I will always believe that since the moment of conception, that foetus is already shaped not just with it's skin colour, eye colour, hair colour and texture, but also with it's own special mind and heart. Yes I believe that people are born intelligent or less intelligent. Some are born stupid of course but I am trying to be nice. I also believe that people are born good or bad. Perhaps good or evil sometimes too. And I am not about to go into the discussion of, if that is the case then are they really responsible, because I don't need it right now. Because that would mean that Mother Theresa was born good and Adolf Hitler was born evil. It still doesn't let Adolf get away with it. And I could probably argue that he was flipping mad too, but that still doesn't let him off. I know plenty of mad people who aren't evil. So what is it I am chasing, what is it that makes my heart scared and my mind not? It's the opening a four year old bomb which left me almost devastated, I say it again, almost, in its wake. It was enough to send other people mad, and although I love the royal me, I am still not special enough to not have gone mad. And yet I didn't go mad. I cried buckets, but that was understandable, somebody, or a lot of sombodies hitting at my dignity made me sad. Hence I cried, because in a democratic country I have the right to cry. But I didn't go mad, perhaps there was some pretty angel cuddling my brain. Fact is, my mind stayed healthy. I was not about to succumb to the enemy, I am a fighter when necessary. I know I have disappointed plenty of enemies (yeah I have loads of them), but then was I about to let them dance on my grave? Of course not. I bet they would have given me a lavish funeral for free, with all the music and musicians shedding the tears, some of genuine sadness, others of genuine joy. But my time is still not up yet. It takes more than all of that to wear this girl out. I'm not big for nothing. But why all the hatred, hatred so bad that it made them lose their mind and provide me with plenty of black on white proof? That I know not. I can only say that there must be a love at first sight thing since I am so certain that there is a hate at first sight thing. Why the hate at first sight? Perhaps weighing 80kgs at the time clinched it. And yet the hatred came from a pompous asshole who weighed much more than that. So I couldn't show him my butt crack, but then I am not a fan of butt cracks anyway. Dirty dirty idea. But I could show him his wrong choleric anger towards people who were blameless, and show him I did. I feel no hatred now, because I am selfish and I know that if I had to harbour any it would make me sick. But it still makes me retch. The baddest baddest man I know. But then during the last two years I have also known a fair, kind man, with brains and a heart and endless amounts of patience, and he's a perfectionist and he's not big in size, and through him life made me think twice. I write about this man from time to time because he makes my day a good day. Life gave me that to make me see straight, to convince me that not all men are hateful. The thing in question here is morals. Being big doesn't mean you're big on morality, take it from big old me. Being small doesn't even mean you're small on your morals. So I will have to drag up all the filth which has been lying dormant for four years. But this time round, I have faith in some people. I talk a lot about this perfect man. It's because he's made an impact on my life and through his behaviour shown me respect. I met him when I was a big girl stripped of her dignity. And he gave me back my dignity. And if only I could nominate him for the award of the bestest man. That means that life again has given me opposites to think about. I could have turned bitter because I'd known the baddie. But then I couldn't have turned bitter because I came to know the goodie. The baddie has always puffed up his chest as if he weren't big enough already. The goodie does nothing of the sort, he's a small big big man. And when the dirt and filth will be dragged up, I won't be the scared little big girl, I will think of him, him who did the biggest thing of all.... restored my dignity. Thanks Sir.