The big bugging thing

I'm lost, and since I am very very lost, staying away from here isn't going to help. So it's going all on here. I know what started it. I was at my mum, watching Maury Povich. Usually my mum thinks it's a dirty programme because it's all about babies and who fathered them, and people behaving rudely. I like it anyway. But today was one of those days when mum kept mum. If I could give a title to today's programme, I'd call it Pain. There I was thinking I must be one of the unluckiest girls in the whole blue marble when I see I'm not. I see people in a much worse position than myself. And it suddenly became extremely scary. Maury had people twice and three times my weight on his programme. I never thought it could be possible. But it is. And I could feel the pain, the helplessness and the hopelessness. They could barely move, one girl was just 12 years old, she could have been my daughter. We might not have shared the same weight, in the rude sense that I could pass for a top model next to them. But it didn't make me better. They cried their tears, and I cried their tears which were my own tears in disguise. It happens that their weight is going to cause them their life. And I cried again. They recounted all the abuse, all of which I know about. I know all about that at a 100+kg (no I don't want to write the actual number down because it will stare at me in the face and haunt me). I can just only begin to imagine what it must be at a 400+kg. Oh God, poor people, they cannot even take a bath by themselves. And it made me scared, because it could have been me, it could really be me. The problem with us big, overweight and morbidly obese (ok that's it out of my system) people is that we actually have a slender sexy person inside screaming to come out. I have been a pretty sexy 60kg vixen and I know how the world changes out rightly. Something happens to us, we become sad, we lose all confidence, we hide and we don't care about kilograms anymore. We turn to food. And during the consuming we feel we can conquer the world, only to be thrown into massive guilt immediately after. And we get sick because it is an illness. But while people will not stare and laugh at somebody in a wheelchair, they will do it to us. And we hide and think we're the only ones. Somehow people start thinking we're lazy, stupid, with a brain the size of a pea. Do not tell us that we are beautiful on the inside, because we automatically think that we must then be very ugly on the outside. It is not all our fault. And I am trying to be brutally truthful. It's one hell of a circle. We do not let ourselves go as is the common thought. We just see no way out and as the weight piles on it becomes difficult to do everyday things like exercise. And it suddenly makes us so scared that we are scared to show off our other assets. We keep ourselves to ourselves and that's it. I've been lucky. I've had my little people who do not care if they cannot join their hands around my hips when giving me a hug. They think I'm normal, some think I'm pretty. But they all wave to me. And we might think little people do not think as sophisticatedly as we do, but they do, probably more. I can see the unspoken understanding when I accidentally drop a whiteboard marker. I can see the silent respect when my laces become untied. I can see how these little people want to help. They are no angels, they can be a handful, but oh God am I grateful that they are in my life. Little people can break all the classroom rules, but their little love goes a long long way. And justly so, because it's got to go a big big way. And I think I've just found myself again. Thank God for little people. And big people.