Thank you for your understanding...

There is a certain something which is interfering from my being completely at peace. It's like the kind of interference you get on your mobile phone when driving right through the Santa Venera Tunnels, only this is worse. The legend of I don't know what says that when this happens it means you're in the wrong. But I have tried and tried and tried and tried again to think if I have done something wrong, and I'm not getting any closer to finding why. I haven't done anything wrong, except for the smoking and caffeine habit which happens everyday and which I don't really think about. But there's a hell of a lot of unfinished business. And it's making me uneasy. And helpless. I have told my twin that I love him countless of times, perhaps I should also tell my parents that although their reaction will be one which makes my blood boil. Apparently, 'children' who are 35 and have flown the nest are committing one big sin. Go figure, nothing will convince them otherwise. But I know I have failed to tell one little person about my feelings because I was scared shit of the consequences; not of my consequences, but of his. I just wished I could scoop him up and away and tell him. But I get the feeling that I am not allowed to do that, so, cowardly me, didn't say Carpe Diem, didn't face the music, and just played safe and kept her distance. Now I wish I hadn't. I'm not too sure it would have been so detrimental. But I still kept my distance, and now, if I could, I'd kick my own ass for it. I could care less about what would have happened to me, we're in Malta and there is no death penalty. And really, I would love to see the day I was handed a criminal sentence for hugging a little person. But I was too scared of how it would have affected the little one in question, too scared of the possibility of never being able to see him again. So, like the good girl I am not, I obeyed. And obedience is not really one of my virtues, yet that is what I did. And now obedience doesn't sound like a very good thing. I have seen hundreds of little people, I have liked all of them and I have struck up a close relationship with dozens of them. But I have fallen deeply in love with just the one. I somehow had a clue that it might not be very easy. I have had enough of emails signed off with a "Thank you for your understanding". No I do not understand, shit is shit regardless who it's coming from. I do not understand because someone just said so. And thinking that I will be in awe and immediately understand is the most presumptuous thing one can do. And no, I do not exactly have learning difficulties, nor do I have a low IQ. I am no yes-girl, on the contrary, I will stand up to be spoken. And although I have been brought up to respect authority because the ones with the authority usually know what's best, well I also think respect is a two-way thing which sometimes requires clarification and explanation as opposed to the " Because I said so". The trouble is I forgot to ask Santa for a manual, a shit-interpreter, and a couple of very understanding Spanish Flies. Because that's just about my level of understanding. I have never understood the flies, which are not really my style anyhow, but I have a perhaps mistaken idea that they propel things into action, and that might mean my starting to understand what's happening. Because thanking me for my understanding is the biggest lie ever told. Oh... and thank you for your understanding.