In Mourning

I have been hiding, grieving, and in mourning for Jade. This has hit me right frontal. And I just have not been able to write. It's never a good sign when I am not here, and it's taken me all the effort in the world to take the plunge and come here again. I never thought it would be this hard. Which is not such a good thing. I thought that I had exhausted the dead people issue. But this is showing me I haven't even gone closer to the subject one bit. I really thought and still think that I am not scared of death. Or perhaps I like to think that. If a close family member had departed to the other world, I would have understood the sadness. But Jade? What is it about Jade that is making me feel miserable? I don't know. Perhaps it's because I think it's such a waste of a life. Perhaps because I think it's such an ironic cruel blow dealt to a girl who finally made it from rags to riches to six feet under. It is also about a girl whom I could identify with, with her hot temper landing her into trouble. And it makes me think about her kids. At 27 she's left 2 kids. If I died and went to heaven now, I'd leave nothing. I'd probably leave pain, but that's about it. And it's such a hard nut to swallow. But it is what it is.