La Battaglia del...

There was a time when I really thought that being married was the be all and end all. Now I realise it might not be really the be all, but more like the end all, since divorce is still plenty of steps away. I was subjected to plenty of marriage peer pressure. I used to hate weddings because there would always be the aunt of the aunt of the aunt of this or that asking... well, when is it going to be you? I would get embarrassed, and just flee. Not anymore, now I like weddings because I drink plenty of Diet Coke. I'm one cheap date. Nobody dares ask anymore, may because they think I sit very prettily as I am, or because they have lost hope. Before my to-be-wed friends thought I was envious, now they're envious of me. Most of my married friends complain about their husbands' bedside manners. I don't, because I still sleep with my dollies you see. But then I get the odd friend who can laugh about her husbands' bedside manners and call it 'la battaglia del russare e de fare i peti'. True to the word, it sounds like petards. And I wonder why so many people are complaining against the festa fireworks, when they have a constant petarding right next to them in their bed. And it seems that men suddenly become snorers once they have said their 'I do'. Marriage suddenly begins to interfere with their intestines too and they seem to start farting their way obliviously through their sleep. I'm not sure what kind of farting it is, whether it's just gas, or something else. Since they're sound asleep, their inhibitions are asleep too so perhaps there's not just one man shitting his pants while in battle and waking up with skid marks. And who does the laundry? Silly question. So, I think, why isn't all of this included in the marriage vows? True it would be gross, to hold and to cherish, to snore and to fart, til death do us part. But it even rhymes effortlessly. We've got to be real. Marriage is a hell of a contract, because it's hellish when you want to get out of it. You might not want to get out of a marriage, but I can understand that a woman would love to get rid of all that high decibel sound while she's trying to get her beauty sleep. That is abuse in the form of sound, and perhaps damage to the olfactory organs too. I have not experienced any of this, not because the fourth finger on my left hand likes naked. On the contrary, it's overloaded. But I still haven't said my 'I do', and my dollies are very polite. They look so pretty too. I think I'm sticking to the dollies.