Mummy darling?

I'm not too sure what brings me here tonight. Perhaps it's a mixture of happiness tampered by sadness brought over by useless guilt. If doing some Sliema shopping is wrong then that's my crime for the weekend. Guilt, it will never ever leave me. Guilt for shopping, guilt for eating dessert, guilt for blowing a lot on shoes. And owing to all of this, I can safely say that teacher do not necessarily make good parents. I shouldn't feel guilty for liking my brightly painted nails. I shouldn't have felt guilty for being 6 years old and staring into the eyes of a woman who told me she was my mother and that I was so bad that she didn't want to live anymore. Rather she'd scream and say she wanted God to take her. Of course God never took her, and I don't blame him, He probably didn't want her. I was 6, that was my crime. I was a quiet little girl, very much into books, really trying not to upset the queen bee. But I guess I still did. Because I was a child who would knock something down once in a blue moon. I was happy keeping out of her way, but no, she'd take my books from me. Why? I would love to say because she was evil, but she wasn't. She probably had the most enormous post-natal depression which she never admitted to and which to this day still stands. I tell myself that I had a happy childhood, and my dad made sure I did. I cannot fault him, he was my rock. He never wanted to die because of me, rather he'd stroke my hair and tell me I was the most beautiful flower in the meadow. Really. But I saw too much pain, and I was too young for that. My mother having a physically handicapped brother never helped. He was a gem, he was the uncle I could talk to for ages. But then my mother felt guilty that it was him not her who got handicapped. More guilt. And more transferal of guilt and pain. Onto me, because I was so odd. Girls played with dollies, I just wanted to grow up fast so that She could never get her hands on me again. Yes, she could get physical. Where was 179 at the time? And I finally grew up and of course she cannot lay her hands on me now, I'd crush the 50kg bee in an instant. I really would. And I made sure I became the exact opposite. Calmer, smilier, less angry, without the foreboding look in the eyes. I have tried. And the question in the mind of that six year old girl remains. How could a teddy like my dad marry my mum? I still ask the same question. If she wasn't well because of the sudden two babies at once, why didn't she ask for help? Why make me feel guilty? After all, it was her ovary getting fertilised, and probably getting pleasured in the process. Maybe twins come about during a massive orgasm, so there she should have kissed my feet. They call it a multiple birth, perhaps it's coming from a multiple orgasm. And now of course there is no mother/daughter bond. I have never been shopping with my mum, and it's not bound to happen anytime soon. I don't want to die a martyr. So she says, look at all the other women side by side by their mum. And I say, yes sure, that's because they have another mum. Yet I don't hate her. I still feel sorry for that six year old who never knew what kind of mother tantrum she'd wake up to. But I feel sorry for my mother, because she never worked through her own anger and guilt, becoming stoically puritan in the process. Life is for living and it doesn't hurt for us to enjoy it sometimes. We needn't be in pain all the time to feel good. Not everything is sinful. And the troubles we come across are not out fault. Even if they were, what is guilt going to solve. So she still managed to ruin my shopping today although I kept a brave face and did it anyway. She still pulls up that dirty trump card, but no mum, people have not left this world because of me. Perhaps they had a choice and perhaps they didn't, but it's still not my fault. My mum and I will never see eye to eye. Our eyes are not the same. And I'm thankful. Perhaps we were both myopic, but I decided to put eyeglasses on. She just kept living in her myopic world, never seeing straight. It was her choice. But not her right. Because once you are a parent then you have a duty to start seeing straight. Oh well, I've survived to tell the tale.