Mental

I am again ever so glad that I can come here anytime. It helps my psyche because I get to say things which I couldn't say anywhere else, and get away with it. I'm very sure I could not say such things at most gatherings. Sunday mass? I really don't think so. At a political mass meeting? I don't think so either because after years of sticking staunchly to the same political party I am flashing my red indicator. A talk somewhere? A conference? Only the hardened of people wouldn't blush. And yet in this democratic country we all have the right to voice our opinion. I have my doubts as to how vocal that might be. We are all trying to keep up holy appearances. we all know that it is psychologically good for us not to keep our feelings all bottled up. And yet that is what we don't do. We keep it inside with the risk of turning the psychological into psychotic. Do not shrug this off as something which could never happen to you, I see psychotic people among the best educated and among the worst educated. There is a fine line between mentally sane and insane. And so terrified am I that I might fall into this category that I come here and belt it all out. And yes I know it's so public and for all to see, but then again I like an audience, or at the very least peeping toms. During these past four years life has changed dramatically. And life is good. And I sometimes think that I have changed too. But have I really? Have I just taken lock stock and barrel with me, including the spotlight? I'm not sure. My therapist thinks that I am his best and worst case, he has said I am his most complicated case as well as his most brilliant. I'm not sure if that is a compliment. But he does not think of me as a patient. And I guess that's good. He thinks that I have a brilliant mind (how he figured that out I have no clue) and a brilliant heart both of which work in opposite directions. And that makes sense. It at least makes sense as to why I live so much in turmoil. I call it the turmoil of inside. I don't know if it has a name. All I know that it has me wondering how I sometimes cannot understand the basics of life. It's all so oppositely unclear. But then it's been oppositely all along. I was born to two opposite parents (I couldn't have bargained for more opposite then they are) , a twin to a completely opposite other being, and when it came to love, oh God, I couldn't have rampaged as oppositely as I did. It might not make sense. But it does for me. It explains the turmoil, the opposites, and it at least provides me with precious insight. Because sometimes it's all about me.