Looking back...

I am patiently waiting for Nigel, who is always worth the wait. And he's always late, which I don't mind seeing that I can come and blab in here. I am certain that in the next three hours I'm going to be transformed. Because that is what Nigel does. And as I was flipping open the paper with coffee, a cigarette, and all the non chalance in the world, I see something which hit me far worse then if the ceiling had to collapse. But then again, I expected as much. An ex-colleague who got himself in hot water, who stooped really damn low. And for once, although shocked, I am not feeling very sorry for the person in question. My first reaction was just that, I felt so sorry. The next was, well it really looked like he would branch out to that kind of a life. And no I have no empathy because life literally kissed his ass hundred of times. He could have made really something out of his life, so talented. But no, after God kept knocking at his door incessantly, giving him all the opportunities in existence, he still decided not to listen and do it his way, his way which was never a good way. I do not feel revengeful, although perhaps I should feel a teeny weeny bit of that. It just makes me sick to the core. Because it's all about greed. Greed which which starts to fester in a young boy, then graduates a little bit more each year. The guy wasn't a pleasant one, his ego was as swollen as the Mosta Church's dome, and yet I was so hooked. He was never kind to me, on the contrary, he always knew which words to pick to brainwash a young girl into thinking she never was good enough. And no I couldn't see clearly back then. Because he was like a drug. Perhaps it is because greed is the actual root of all evil, but I suspect he was also mean just for fun. He doesn't need sympathy, or empathy because he wouldn't know how to spell them anyway. I have so many memories which I think my mind makes a point never to drag up again. I actually had trouble realising who it was. He was the one who would brainwash me to a point where I really would start thinking I was hopeless. Once he was gone, then suddenly success was knocking at my door. I cannot erase some things he said in continuo, not even now that a good 20 years have passed. And I don't think I want to remember. I can only look at myself in the mirror now and see that I have not become the President of the world, but I am happy with my achievements, which are, at the end of the day, something more than he accomplished. Because we always have a choice. His was to wreck himself, mine was to try and make something. I was then 14 and a little innocent girl, he was 15 and already a grown man, and not of the very kind. I was defenseless next to his greed, and I never understood it anyway. But I'm content with life, no matter all the strife it has posed. At least I can sleep with a clear mind. And I can only thank mum and dad and Joseph, for all the times they saw me hurt. and tried to make me see the truth. For all the times they got angry. And for all the times when they tried to break this man's hold of me. I thought they didn't understand. I now know they did. Now I can understand that parents and twins do not like seeing their daughter and sister in the sorry state I was. They could have been clairvoyants, because now, after a good 20 years, the truth is out, and justice is done.