I have finally put the last bit of tinsel on the Christmas Tree. It's huge and I like the fact that it's big. It's also all gold and red, my best colours. And although I have really really tried, I guess it's not perfect. It's just as perfect as I could do it. So at least I have tried. I tried and cried. Not because I am unhappy, certainly not. The way things stand right now are fine. I'd never in a million years imagined that I would say it. But I'm saying it.
But something is missing. And I'm going through one hell of an ordeal. Now I understand why so many people adopt little kids from Cambodia, Ethiopia, Romania, but not from Malta. Because Malta and it's system make it close to impossible, makes you want to holler in frustration. I do not want a little child. And I do not want a foreign child. It's all Maltese. And although it seems that I am satisfying all the criteria, it also seems that it's taking such a long time. I understand, people have to be scrutinised before the system lets a child go. But come on and scrutinise, I have no problem with that. But no, since it's the holidays, then it must wait. And all for the good of the child. I wonder if it really is. I have never ever thought about this in my life, I just assumed that kids would come when the timing was right. But it didn't happen. And somehow it didn't even matter. I never ever was on the look out for a child. But no matter how hard we try to separate our emotions through being professional, relationships are born and we can do nothing about it. Or maybe we can. I think we really can. I am not super mum, I have never changed a diaper in my life, but then nobody knows how until they try. Nobody is born as a mum, life gives people that. And although life hasn't given me that, I am not at all bitter. Perhaps being around children somehow fills that void. Perhaps love shouldn't come into it, but it does for me. And love is one controlling master, one which controls for the best. I have somehow managed to distance myself for the time being with the hope that things can be speeded up. People can dictate what I do, but they cannot dictate my thoughts, and they could try their best at dictating my emotions. But it doesn't work. I wanted a magical Christmas, not for myself, I've had my share of magic. I wanted to pass on a little of that magic, but magic is magic and it doesn't have to be Christmas. It's the kind of thing you never ever planned on doing, then suddenly find yourself in the situation. If anybody wants to prosecute me for love, then I'll plead guilty. But nobody anywhere ever relayed the message that love was a crime. It certainly hurts, but it's ok, as long as the pain stops with me. And although I have been extremely careful, yes, I love that little man. And it will most certainly be gold and red the whole year round.
But something is missing. And I'm going through one hell of an ordeal. Now I understand why so many people adopt little kids from Cambodia, Ethiopia, Romania, but not from Malta. Because Malta and it's system make it close to impossible, makes you want to holler in frustration. I do not want a little child. And I do not want a foreign child. It's all Maltese. And although it seems that I am satisfying all the criteria, it also seems that it's taking such a long time. I understand, people have to be scrutinised before the system lets a child go. But come on and scrutinise, I have no problem with that. But no, since it's the holidays, then it must wait. And all for the good of the child. I wonder if it really is. I have never ever thought about this in my life, I just assumed that kids would come when the timing was right. But it didn't happen. And somehow it didn't even matter. I never ever was on the look out for a child. But no matter how hard we try to separate our emotions through being professional, relationships are born and we can do nothing about it. Or maybe we can. I think we really can. I am not super mum, I have never changed a diaper in my life, but then nobody knows how until they try. Nobody is born as a mum, life gives people that. And although life hasn't given me that, I am not at all bitter. Perhaps being around children somehow fills that void. Perhaps love shouldn't come into it, but it does for me. And love is one controlling master, one which controls for the best. I have somehow managed to distance myself for the time being with the hope that things can be speeded up. People can dictate what I do, but they cannot dictate my thoughts, and they could try their best at dictating my emotions. But it doesn't work. I wanted a magical Christmas, not for myself, I've had my share of magic. I wanted to pass on a little of that magic, but magic is magic and it doesn't have to be Christmas. It's the kind of thing you never ever planned on doing, then suddenly find yourself in the situation. If anybody wants to prosecute me for love, then I'll plead guilty. But nobody anywhere ever relayed the message that love was a crime. It certainly hurts, but it's ok, as long as the pain stops with me. And although I have been extremely careful, yes, I love that little man. And it will most certainly be gold and red the whole year round.
