girl vs boy

My good friend Claire has just called to wish me a Happy New Year. She's a good girl, not good as in boring, but good as in faithful that's for certain. And I feel suddenly so very lonely although I'm not alone. This house with all its assets and red walls needs a something else. Ok, it's not the house needing the something else, but myself. But I am too scared to do what other people see as natural because I secretly think that perhaps God is shielding me from something ugly. There it goes again, the fear. Which is strange seeing I didn't even have a tiny bit of caution to throw to the wind 15 years ago. I had no fear and I loved danger. I loved risking life. Now, I want my settled lifestyle and nothing to tamper with it. Because I'm too scared of what could happen. There are no guarantees in life and I am still not ready to take the plunge. The word risk scares me too much. If only somebody could give me at least a one year guarantee, then I'd go for it. But nobody will and nobody can give me that. And it has now boiled down to the - would I rather regret not having done that, than regret having done it? And it's at these times I wish I were a man. No I am not turning homosexual, a transvestite, or even queuing up for a sex change. I like being a girl. But men have it that much easier. I would never trade in my long hair, my hips which ooze fertility (judging by Mata's Goddess of Fertility), or my nails. I am a girl and I like being a girl and no I do not want another girl as a lover. I comply totally with what the world likes, I am heterosexual, and always have been. And I am not about to change direction now. Of course I find no problem with gay people whatever the gender because I embrace diversity. But, I am a girl who likes boys and that should be the text-book type of woman. At least I think so. And at least that is what my biology books said in form 5. Or perhaps it would have been easier had I liked girls instead? Because then the question of having babies would never be a question. But I cannot, really really cannot see myself with a girl. Sorry world, I'm like the bees and the birds, I'm girl likes boy and I cannot do anything about it. It isn't that difficult to live with, but then the inevitable subject pops up, especially when it's a 35 year old girl likes boy. I have till now, resisted all the things in the text book, but it's another new year coming, and somehow this is all I can think about.