Kiss-Kiss, Bye-Bye

I've been blogging since May. It's December now, the 31st. Last day of the year, last day of LM, last day of so many things. And I should look forward to 2008, new year, new Euro, new everything. But I never look forward to new things, unless they're designer jewellery, clothes, shoes and cosmetics. A New Year, that's a bit of too much, another twelve months stretching ahead of you, who knows what's going to happen. Maybe next year I'll tell Santa to get me a crystal ball.

Anyway, I'm having a Diet Coke and smoking.... which is what I have been doing for probably the last 10 years. I just marvel at how time has passed, I was 16 only yesterday, with raging hormones and plans for love in life. I still remember what I did on New Year's eve when I was 16 and later when I was 17, then when I was 27. The rest is all a blur. Oh yes I remember one more, when I was 29 and totally mad.... I spent New Year;s Eve cleaning, yes cleaning. But I don't do that anymore, I don't know how to clean anyway. I just wallow in perfect disinfected order when Bridget has come around. It's so much easier.

I also have enough party food in the house to feed a bunch of horses. And I'm not even hungry. Under all the expensive jewellery lies a girl whose idea of a perfect night is staying in and watching CSI, downing copious amounts of diet coke and nicotine and tar. Always thinking maybe the Diet Coke man would come knocking at my door. I've given up on him now.

I maybe should go over what's happened this last year, but I won't because this is the way it goes.... Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Till next year

Weather

My mind tells me I am in London; the dreary skies, the non stop rain, everything grey. It is London. My brain also hurts, that nudging knocking that I'll be having a headache when I won't, it'll just hurt a little persistently, but still hurt. But there's no carpets, no central heating, there's nowhere to go.. it's not London. It will be soon, very soon. But not right now.

I love my country, but this thing about people hibernating when it's raining gets under my skin. London... there's always something to do, somewhere to go, I'd be in Camden right now, no matter the rain. I'd get designer clothes for under ten quid there. Or I'd go to BrentCross, it'd be open till six tonight. Here it's so boring, how long am I going to stay under the duvet covers, I don't like staying in bed much, no, not even if there is the hunkiest man who gives you the time of your life.

Maybe I'll catch up on my reading, or try MSN, but this is no Sunday the way I like it... going around flea markets, maybe going to Baystreet where everybody will be closed. This sucks. Roll on evening please.

Looking for....

Ok so that's Boxing Day survived. I don't know which to hate the more, Christmas or Boxing Day, both very boring days when everybody stays inside. It's not that I'm a party goer or anything of the sort, but I like to think that there is somewhere I can go if I feel like it. Now is ok, tomorrow is ok too. I am right now looking for a watch I have misplaced somewhere, cute little swatch which I remember but which I cannot remember where I left it. I am so careless I am forever looking for things. Probably it'll turn up the day I am out of here, or maybe it won't turn out at all. The last time I moved I finally found the telephone!!! I wonder what it will be this time. Would like to keep blogging but my head hurts too much, I am hoping it's not some bug come just in time to ruin the rest of the holidays....

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Day! Ok so let's see what I'd like to do, firstly wear light clothing and put my fur coat on but that isn't happening because it's warm. What else, go to some spa and taste the elixir of life... that isn't happening either because spas are closed. Go to Mass, could do.... churches are not closed. Go skiing, that's not happening either. Open a hundred presents.. I don't know a hundred people. That is why I love the run up to Xmas but then I don't like Xmas day. Come tomorrow it will be even worse. But what's a girl to do.....

Broken

Ok hurray I'm going round the shops like a maniac. I love this. I especially love jewellers, don't know why, maybe I was born in a diamond cave or something. I like all things sparkly, all things red, all things shiny. I love drama, I suppose so many years in music and theatre makes one lose contact with reality, it certainly has made me fond of tiaras.

But I am breaking things. My favourite sexy mug, loads of diet coke bottles, and maybe I am a little broken inside. I'm not sure yet. One day I will explain, but it is still too soon.... maybe later.

Xmas feelings

My house has been transformed into a Christmas hub where Santa would be please to work overtime. It's all red and gold and shimmering. It's all lights and stars and yes I'm pleased. My cats look pleased too, they think playing with gold and red balls is a lovely past-time. It can't be helped, cats are like kids, once you sign up for them, then it them who reign. Still missing Figaro, saw a woman this morning whose son I used to go to school with, whose son died at 19, that's about 15 years ago. And I sat in my car watching her walking and wondering what was going on in her mind. How one can celebrate the birth of a baby Jesus when your own baby is six feet under. Why these things happen, I do not know. Some of us are the chosen ones to deal with tragedy and it's not easy. But I too have loved Christmas again, I hope she has, she's a nice woman, always has been. Sometimes I think maybe it's the good people that bad things happen to. I don't know about this either.

Tomorrow, another Christmas concert. It'll be OK, but I feel like crying sometimes, crying in the middle of this forest where not even Little Red Riding Hood has been. Oh well, it'll pass.

RED

I think Christmas is about the colour red. Red for warmth, for love, for the candles lit next to the waxy Baby Jesuses or next to the porcelain ones from Spain, red for laughter and happiness, for celebration, for glam outfits and lips and nails of course. Sorry but I'm still a girl at heart. But then red is for danger.... what has that got to do with Christmas? Maybe it's the warning sign saying please be extra careful who you kiss underneath the mistletoe. Well these days, one probably doesn't just kiss underneath the simple mistletoe, ohhhh so maybe it's red for red lingerie. You never know. Red is definitely not for angels. So why put festive red bows everywhere if it's about hark the herald angels sing? Maybe angels have become sexy, so they're red now. Have yet to see a red angel anywhere although come to think of it they really should throw something decent on, as it is they're going to catch the cold of their lives in this chilly weather. Have always wondered, why do we have to go to Church covered from top to toe when there are scantily clad angels everywhere. Ok they are cute little cherubs, still covering a bit of butt wouldn't do any harm. Don't their mothers force heavy coats on mufflers on them the way my mother used to? I used to hate hate hate it. She'd say it was for preventing colds... but I'd still get sick anyway. I'd grumble about coats as a child... now I think Christmas is for fur coats... and I love them. I have 4, real fur (I'm ashamed of this but they were a present), longline ones to die for.

So still going red... beautiful.

What colour

I cannot decide what colour to paint my nails. I usually go for reds, but decided to go for blacks... when the job was done I took it all off again and went for dark blues, and took it off again, then deep purple and took that off again. Now it's au naturel, my mum would love it, I hate it. I don't like natural, I'm more vampiric than anything else. Strange to imagine if anybody saw me in a completely clean face, hair pulled back in a tracksuit and sneakers. I like drama, what the use of nail varnish if it's going to look like you didn't varnish anything, and what's the use of makeup if you're going to try and make it look natural. Some guys say they prefer the out of bed look, that means one hour of making up, useless when you can just roll out of bed and look the same. My kind of guy will like the dramatic look, smoky black eyes, siren red lippy, and nails to match. I've tried all colours, none do the job better than red. I have enough nail varnish to open shop, 2000+ and counting, but I still go for the reds. And here my mum would butt in again and say, there are so many children without food in the third world while I'm addicting to varnish, but it's not as if I can send the varnish over to Ethiopia. I love black dresses, black patent heels and red lips, nails to match. Somewhere in the course of my bloodline, someone just has to have been like me. I wonder who it was....

Missing

Someone, somewhere along the course of life, of my life, something is missing. But someone along that same course of life once told me time is not good excuse for making the something missing happen. It would involve the lives of many people, maybe destroy some of them's too, and maybe resurrect others'. Still there is a missing something. Maybe because it's Xmas time and I think of all the people who should still be here, the ones who took off too early. Or maybe because it's no fun being left out in the cold. But still this year something's missing deep down in my heart. Useless talking, we all make choices in life... and that is also sometimes untrue. Sometimes we go with what life throws at our feet. But maybe I'm doing something about it... and soon.

Happy Birthday Jesus

The best part of my job is discovering talent.... and beauty. Now I started the day feeling unwell, but then stumbled on a lovely song which I could not get out of my mind. Came here, looked it up on youtube, and got more than I bargained for....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=claKP84h9EE&feature=related
It has made me cry, cry, cry and I am not soft hearted, I do not go all cooey gooey when I am faced with kids... but not when it's someone like this little young lady. Oh if only I had a guarantee of another Avery, I'd made them by the dozen. But no guarantees in life. So I am just content with playing ad nauseum this you tube video. If this doesn't move you, then nothing will. Innocence, talent, beauty all rolled into a four year old. And if that doesn't convince you there really is a God... well then I just don't know what. Happy Birthday Jesus.

When Christmas comes to town

Sometimes, all amidst the usual carols and Christmas songs, you stumble on one with real potential, which then drives me totally mad and makes me qualify for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as in listening 24/7. Polar Express, one movie which i have missed and sadly so, so I'm getting it off Amazon. I have also put in the link, here it goes again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqLvNrnTA5s I'm totally OCD'ed on it right now, it says so much, better still it makes you feel so much.... and then you're sure there is a God who created people through whom He can deliver such heaven on earth.

Today

Good day today. Can't complain, sometimes kids can be sweethearts. But I don't feel well, a little bit of fever, maybe the flu coming on, I have missed the flu jab this year. We'll see. I am counting the days to the holidays, not because I'm bored at work or anything, these last three weeks before the holidays are just one mad rush for Xmas concerts, Prize Days.... I love the madness anyway. But nothing beats holidays. And I think I'm somehow happy. It's nice meeting children every day, they are surprisingly nice, even the naughty ones, although I class control with threatening is beyond me. I still remember when I was a child myself, so I act accordingly. It's also nice being welcomed every morning, instead of seeing glum faces which if looks could kill you'd just drop dead. I like kids being so enthusiastic about their music lesson, it's nice being appreciated by children, they are tomorrow's future. Sometimes I miss them in the weekends!!!!!!

Now, will just try and rest early. This hasn't been an interesting blog, but then they don't have to be all interesting. Just daily life. Tomorrow, more children, more concert rehearsals. Love it.

The truth.... fairness?

I haven't been here in quite a while. Busy, I suppose. Lots of things have gone on. Some sad, some indifferent, some happy. Mostly indifferent. I am also trying to log on to second life, which my friend Valerie made me so excited about, but either I need a brain overhaul or there is something which I'm not quite doing right. I'll ask her on Tuesday. I've also upgraded my pc and boy it is nice having such a fast machine at your hands now. It is Sunday and I've woken up at 7am grrrrrrr, then come tomorrow I won't be able to get out of bed until 8 and I start work at half 8 so then it's one mad rush. The paradoxes of life I suppose.

I want to write so much but I cannot because this is going onto the www. What I can write though is why do people get upset when you point out the truth, then they say you are lashing out and they are offended. Offended because I am saying the truth, lashing out because I am tired of people whining of situations they have brought upon themselves. In sickness.... I will rush to help, even financially, but I wish it took more than privates to make other humans. Maybe brains. And not instinct. Or one can follow the instinct no problem, as long as it's just them in the equation. And guilt then haunts us of course, but it's no use crying over it. Accepting where you went wrong is better than feeling sorry for yourself. There are situations where my heart goes out, there are others which make me angry, angry that my salary is depleted of 200 pounds in tax every month... because of other peoples' instinct. And then they expect help from the government, which they incredibly get. Me... I never got anything for free, maybe because I didn't do the instinct part. What I'd like for free, a Bvlgari ring for starters, but no government is going to give that to me, a subsidised home... I don't qualify for that either. It's just so not fair.