Patience

The one thing I learned from life, from one person in particular is patience. I don't see this person anymore, not that it matters at all. But through his clean good man looks, I learned that patience was one thing I didn't have. I wanted everything yesterday, still do sometimes, but much less. It doesn't pay to be rash, although I have been so rash, so jumping to things. But this man knew the value of patience, and at least I learned that. Injustice never goes far. So I am done an injustice, some years down the line, the arm of the law comes down on them. Or maybe the bad doers get so brash with their behaviour that they are careless. Whatever, they are bad doers and have to be brought to justice. I do not however harbour hatred, hatred is making a bad doer become important. Hatred makes you sick, letting go and leaving life to take it's own course is better. And while I'd like to say that I forgive... well in extreme cases, in cases when someone has wanted to eliminate you from the face of the earth... well revenge is sweet... just it will not be me taking revenge but life itself.

The wheel of fortune, destiny, and the circle of life... they move in a circle, an interconnected line of eternity. So I look back and have a choice - either being angry, or just calling a spade a spade. Anger, another monster. Sometimes it pays to be angry, most times it doesn't. People do not change and neither will I. People develop. So nowadays I can sit down and channel anger into something else... patience.

I like to think there is another life after this because I still miss some who have passed on. Some I will kick their butts for their wrong decisions, then hug them because the ones who are not loved are the ones who deserve being loved the most. And although some people shy away from me because of life's experiences... they really needn't. The pain of the past is what makes me me today, as do the joys of the past. And I have had plenty of joys. I just wish for one more, but time is not an excuse to make rash decisions... which makes me go back to point one. Think, think, think, laterally, horizontally, perpendicularly, vertically if you may, but think... and of course be patient. Every dog has it's day.... big sigh.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes people say hurtful words on the pretext that they are saying the truth and that it is for our own good. What rubbish. The way I perceive things might not be the same as another would perceive it. Oh if only I had a magic wand. It is so easy in fairytales when the real truth reigns and others are turned to toads or are cursed for a hundred years. At least I do some under the breath cursing sometimes too, but I suck at being a witch. I like witches, they are powerful and mysterious and nobody dares mess around with them. I like fairies too, but they are just that tiny bit naive for today's world.

So I am staring at wooden panelling, oak furniture, in a place where silence is put on the highest volume. It is almost the middle of the night, I love this time. It is when the people who think they can give uninvited advice behave best because they are asleep with their mouth shut. Duct tape was created for more reasons than one.

Everything seems to be becoming a big deal. Making a passport, writing a letter, what is the big deal about that? Sometimes the outside world feels alien. And inside heavily locked gates, and thick walls everything feels so free. Free because there is no judgement, because you can go about unobtrusively like tiny ants. Tiny, another word which features in unwanted advice. Why is tiny so nice? I, for one, would not like a tiny house, a tiny salary, a tiny bank account, a tiny whatever. Tiny is for kids. Not for grownups, well a lot of grownups have tiny brains that's for sure.

So one more cigarette, and relishing the comfortable silence.

Silly Spy

Spies. so the score's not settled yet. So spies are on my blog.. perfect I'll give you plenty to read. You want to open the saga up again... be my guest. Anonymous..... coward. You really have nothing to do except think about me? I never ever think about you, except when you but in. But you don't feature in my thoughts or dreams the way I feature in yours. Poor little man. A man with such repressed self-ego. Oh how powerful you think you are. And you think I am taking you up on a fight... no, because you are not important. Yes it's true I must be hitting you below the belt, I am not apologising, I hope it hurts your balls. I am off to take a nap, spy you keep thinking about me... you're making me famous.

Just difficult people

Strange day today. Or maybe one of those days. Maybe I should start having an aversion to short people. They think that the inches they lack in height they can gain by behaving like crap. And crap we treat by flushing it away. So we teach our kids that diversity is beautiful, thing is, kids already know this. Then the grownups behave otherwise. Perhaps we have a lot to learn from kids. At least I learn a lot. They greet me with such enthusiasm, it is so heartwarming. Adults too but with reservations. No I am not friendly, I keep myself to myself, that is me. If anybody has a problem with that, they can just go f*(&.

The big issue, so what, just get over it. Kids do that very easily. But not adults. Or at least some adults. But I have changed, I am no more the one who loses her temper fast, I keep watching. And maybe the watching gets under people's skin. Good, that's the way I like it. Scared of my eyes???? My eyes are hazel, normal eyes. But you get all sorts of people, some are nice. Sometimes certain people clash with everyone... so maybe it's their fault. And for all those who think I am spooky.... well just watch it, you never know. Period.

S + T = E = P + L + S

Worrying. It is an normal reaction to emotion... mostly fear of the unknown. Or of fear of what could happen. And human nature being what it is we expect the worst possible scenario. Or is that human nature? I have learned that human nature is the total of inheritance and upbringing and individuality. By nature I am a worrier. But I have learned that worrying does not stop things from happening.... worry or not they still happen. And worry or not they still do not happen. We worry about an exam test which we complete, then we worry about the result.... no amount of worrying will change the result, be it good or bad. Worry takes up so much of our energy, reduces us to negative people who will cry at the drop of a hat. Is it really worth it? No, but it took a lot to get me thinking like that. So I have a choice, do I worry myself sick that something bad is going to happen, or do I postpone the worry when the something bad actually happens? And what if something good happens, then the worry will have been useless. Useless... worry is useless either way. Sometimes worry is because we have lost faith in the Higher Power, although even that sometimes is powerless. So we have faith in ourselves, human beings, the splitting image of God.

So the equation goes... Stimuli + Thought = Emotion = P + L + S.... it needn't be worry, try and put that on hold.... difficult, but worth a million tries. Know that, been there already. And in my heart I pray for a friend, for Peace, Love and Serenity.

Gladstones and foundation

I think accessories are a girl's best friend. They really are, as long as you wake up in time to put them on. I don't. So I have so many accessories just waiting to be flaunted, but resting dormant until the day when I wake up in time for them comes. I like gladstones right now.... a lot. I saw one which is absolutely perfect, but it will have to wait. Hopefully, nobody is intent on buying expensive gladstones right now. Nigel could have got me one for 25 stg, but surprise surprise the gladstone went up to a 40 stg which I would have been willing to pay anyway. But I log on to the site and find they are 25stg..... humbug!!!!!!!! He could have texted me, maybe a 15 cent text is too much, and they certainly have not gone up in price. I would get one over the web but they do not do international delivery. I am seething it's true. But what can I do, nothing, except that I am going to push Nigel's face into his lie. I suspect there are quite a lot of them, I think I need a squabble. But I suspect that all the squabbling in the world will get me nowhere, because you need brains to squabble. Maybe he thinks he has brains, but he's getting found out every time. He is still Midas with hair, but it stops there.

Surprise, my brother did all my shopping. Incredible. He bought everything, got stopped because he put everything in hand luggage, and bought everything again. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Quo Vadiz?

So I'm better off, or am I? I am certain about nothing, or let me rephrase, I am uncertain about everything, but not about one thing I know I am supposed to be doing. Why, when conditions are bad, when it's a constant struggle to get on, and it's still missed. And why do I think it is so difficult when I have weathered some tough conditions of life. I do not care for school protocols, I have no idea what they are anyway. I do it my way. The only protocol in my life is the do as you would be done by one. Ok sometimes I am in default there, too much passion. High flying adored... that is what I adore too. I know this blog sounds like mambo jambo, but then I know it is spied on (Teresa that is not meant for you), so I have to write in code, because once it's out on the world wide web, then God knows in whose hands it will end up. Key signatures, tempo, dynamics... they are all I breathe... and all I will breathe. Because God and Life have their ways, I am also sure of that.

Back again

Nothing special to write about these days. How I hate routine. How I wish i could understand kitty talk. Bagheera right now is staring at me in the face and miaowing hard. I have no idea why. He wasn't too well today, had some stomach upset poor thing. The Ding and Dong family are still not accepting him, and it's been two weeks already, they just hiss at him all the time, he then decides to give them the run of their life by going after them. Cat fights, now I know why they are called that way. Not pretty.

Tomorrow it's the end of week, that's something to cheer myself up. I know, I know I should get a life. But since I'm still working on it, I'm content with how the days of the year change. I realise I am still learning to be lonely. I say that, but I like it, honestly. Nobody to interfere with whatever you want to do. But I keep waiting for life to start, then I realise it's already started and I haven't a clue. I want a major change in my life, but I know deep down that wanting is not a good enough excuse to start suddenly changing things which I am not ready for. The psyche... mine seems to have gone on holiday.

Crossroads

I think I need a miniature Nigel. The type I could just put on my wallunit, tape his mouth (for sanity's sake) and get him out whenever needed. This weather is terrible for my hair. Or else I'll just do away with Nigel for good and go back to my au naturel hair... that's super curly, wild as a lion's mane. I just don't know, maybe I'll wait for cooler weather and not a standby Nigel. The lad yesterday really worked me up to a frenzy... not a hair one.

I feel I am at crossroads in life. It's as if the dynamics of life are changing. I am teaching kids who could be my own... because of their age ONLY. And they ask me if I have any to whic I proudly say NO, then they ask why, and I cannot come up with the reason that children interfere with your night sleep, with your siesta, with your nail extensions, with so many more things. So I tell them I have yet to find the daddy who can make this possible... then they look me in the eye and they know it's a big lie. But it says in the bible, Mary was 15, I wonder how old Joseph was, I am under the impression he must have been twenty something.... good old wise kind Joseph... a cradle snatcher? No no I cannot bring myself to think in this direction. I met an old schoolmate of mine... she is a grandmother. Now that made me feel so old, should I take to a rocking chair (I'd do that gladly) and knit booties (I cannot hold knitting needles to save my life)? And for what, for who? I will never be an auntie, so it's going to have to be some DIY I suppose. But not now, maybe later. Maybe I'll get neutered before that happens anyway... Bagheera's been neutered, he seems fine. Ding has been neutered, she looks ok. And there will be a time when we could all bin the OC and concentrate more on our OCD's. Maybe I have it the other way round. Because when you are fully aware of your hereditary pros and cons, it's selfish to do this and that. So much easier to play dumb.

Nigel?

So Nigel came and worked his magic as usual. The boy's good, terribly terribly good. But it is an effort to get on with him. We do not see eye to eye... that is an understatement. He seems to think that evading tax and fooling the government is a laugh. He thinks that having a baby, knowing very well who the father is and writing the the baby off as unknown father is something to giggle about. This is nuts. He thinks that having a child with an egg donor is a blast. He actually thinks having a child is not something to first think seriously about. It's like a Nike advert.. just do it. He makes me feel either mad or old. Now I have had my mad episodes in life, but creating human life is not a laugh, I tried explaining but he giggled all the way through. I so wanted to hit him hard with his magic brush. Maybe then his brain would have opened up. Human life is not a giggly thing, having an affair maybe, but actually conceiving is not. It may be a beautiful thing, but not something which teenage girls giggle about. They giggle because a boy has looked at them twice, and that's all very well, it's so natural. The would never giggle on seeing a pregnancy test turn positive I can guarantee that.

So have I become so old? Why does it seem such a big deal for me? Perhaps it is all based on perceptions and doubts. Nobody can guarantee anything in life. And while life has it's highs, I have also experienced it's lows. And do I want to pass that on.... according to Nigel he wants to leave something behind him... yeah right that is such a good reason for creating human life. Better stop here, I think the lad's going to drive me mad. But... he's still magic when it comes to hair.

The morning after....

And so I prayed and God maybe thought it was a just enough prayer. And Bagheera is doing well. Thank you God, I'm so pleased. Maybe He knows that the ones who are cast away deserve more just because they have been abandoned. Now maybe God has already enough on His hands, and cats might seem frivolous to Him, but I don't think so. God created animals, I am certain for humans to care for them. Love, care, compassion and empathy are still the same whether they are directed to the President or to an abandoned cat. God doesn't work with titles surely. Love is love whatever form that may take and I also doubt whether God sees love institutionalised the way we human beings see it. But I am not going down that road, it's not necessary anyway.

So it's a Saturday and I wake up long before the time I would on a schoolday. I wake up with menstrual cramps, shit this time it's bad, it is so painful. But at least I have black and white butterflies on my nails so that sort of helps a bit. The pain is still awful, I know I sound like a complaining hag, but it really is. Maybe neutering would solve it..... now that's food for thought.

Praying

Ok so there's a lot of famine going round in the world. There is a lot of HIV too and people suffering from full blown AIDS. And we should pray for them. We cannot forget the people who somehow have found themselves all alone.... they too are in pain. But cannot I make a simple prayer to God... please look after my Bagheera, he has had surgery, please watch over him. Figaro, James, Claude and Ray.... you will understand. You know that those who are close to my hear are held steadfastly so. And so my simple prayer... help me in this, there are things in life where medicine draws the line. So we turn to you, to God and to the ones who were once here but who are now in His dimension. Please

Charmed

So now I have my own slinky black cat. That probably makes me a witch. Good. I won't be a cruel witch, but for all those who cross my path on a very wrong foot, beware, because the night skies dumped a black cat on me. And I am so thankful. I think I needed (selfishly) another four feet in the house. It's difficult to explain, but cats are so much love in feline persona. So now I need a broom, potions, and a crystal ball. I'll get around to that, and it's almost Halloween. Come to it, maybe Bagheera is a sign from the heavens. Whatever, I'm going to make sure he has five star accomodation food and service. I am just thinking who on my hit list is going to be turned into a toad. Hmmmm I am spoilt for choice really, Malta doesn't need many toads. But maybe one here and there......

learn to be lonely

Sometimes, when pain is strong you are all alone. Sometimes when pain is at its strongest, you actually want to be alone. And sometimes something happens and makes you realise that you are so submerged in pain that you have learnt to be streetwise enough to hide it. And other times you tend to look at other people and ask, what star was I born under? Why not a magic star? And you see your life from yonder and wonder where the yonder star found itself. And you realise that you may have been born with a sentiment de vide which is difficult to shake off. And then.. you also realise that you have learned to be lonely, and for you it is a way of life. And the human brain is a wonderful thing, it adapts itself to the situation... you learn to laugh and cry in your loneliness...and you learn to love to be lonely.