Rough but dad's the best

Why does God create people who are so difficult. My one big mistake... I keep myself to myself. And that in itself should avoid trouble, this time it landed me into even deeper trouble. Not that it affects me, a good row really gets the metabolism going. I am still shaking though, not seething anymore, I got my merits and the nasty one punished. Good, he actually thought he was going to scare me, oh no, it takes a lot to scare me nowadays. Looking to have a row from the word go, well he got it now. And also a row which left him shame-faced, I'm so happy it couldn't be better. Thursday 30th. May, and that's the last I'll ever be going to Valletta. Good thing, very good thing. I have been dreading Thursdays for a whole year, now I don't have to go anymore. The day was rough, from the word go, although I thought it would be anyway. Having to deal with one big asshole every Thursday has not been easy. Probably I've been staying put for too long, and now it's over. What a row, havn't had a row like that in ages, that really got all the anger My poor dad, on the eve of his retirement, well my old man really loves me and will defend me if he knows I'm right. Good old daddy, although he can still pass as 40. I love him so much. Had the first retirement lunch, and the staff were cheering him and I cried. He has done so much for me, I could never ever wish for a better dad. I pray he's still around when he's 90, he's such a darling. And I am so proud of him. Tomorrow will be another surprise festivity for him. He'll be in heaven. I got him a lovely cake, the staff have done the rest, I cannot wait to see his face. I've given him a lot of joy in my childhood, but now too much worry as an adult. Not on purpose. I'd love to have a worry-free life, but it hasn't turned out this way. My dad is a star, really in the very sense of it. Shit what a nice man my mum got herself. True she was a looker, but really she has been very very lucky. Not many like the likes of him around anymore. Anyway, tomorrow will be a better day, very exciting. This photo shows my dad and us when we were kids, always a present father, never a distant one. And I'll always be daddy's girl. Love you dad xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FLuke and Lady

Good morning again, woke up late today, this is happening when I have a really good sleep. Anyway, made it on time. These two buddies in the left-hand corner are my dogs, starting from the left, Fluke and Lady. I adore them but they probably adore me more. Strange creatures, they never hold a grudge. They're big dogs, almost the biggest breed there is, like 70 kilos, but so nice. The problem is they like to play rough and don't know their own wieght, so you have to be careful with them. I secretly have a soft spot for Lady, because I know her at 6 weeks old and I reared her myself. Spoilt her to bits too. I love Fluke of course but she's bonded with me a lot. Anyway, brilliant dogs, but for anybody thinking about getting the same breed of Alaskan Malamute, make sure you have aircondition or they will suffer, especially in the summer here.

Have to run, I've a busy schedule ahead of me today. Loads of piano accompaniment, a bit tedious but it will pass. Then lessons till late evening. Ok help me get through this day God please.
AnnMarie

Not so good

Woke up, went to school, and back here. Thankfully. I feel so tired and not so good. Like a nauseous thing in the stomach, but it'll pass. Don't know why but I feel rather sad too, and I cannot find a plausible reason for that. I just watch the kids, and feel so tired, and think it's a good thing I don't have any or I wouldn't be able to take care of them and God knows where they would end up. So God up there, you know exactly what you're doing in my case. I keep thinking of Philip Larkin's, This be the verse...... they fuck you up your mum and dad, fill you with the faults they had and add some extra just for you.... get out as early as you can and don't have any kids yourself" It might sound a bit too much but he's so right. Well anyway I'll try and sleep my depressed state off, sleep works. It's always worked, especially when things get a bit too much. And there are so many people worse off than me, maybe I'm just acting up. Like my friend says, diva behaviour. Could be, but then you feel what you feel. Will be back later
AnnMarie

Dreaming

Well, it's a nice day again, well it would be wouldn't it, it's Malta here. Got up really early, I don't know why I find it pretty easy to wake up early in the weekends, but not during the working week! Anyway, I think I'm getting the strength back, the type which makes you get up and deal with things , issues, and stuff. Maybe I need a change of career too. Well I probably don't, I like teaching but I'm missing the real stuff now, the stage, the lights, the drama, adrenaline. I need that. Because I was born to do that, that's the only certain thing I know about myself. It's tough choosing a career when you're good at many things, but you don't like those things although you're good at them. Music, that's another story, it's the language of the soul, the being. I sometimes feel sorry for people who don't experience that for at least one minute in their lifetime. It really beats all drugs and other things. When the intensity of it all gets so high, you think you're going to faint or something. Beautiful thing this music. As is probably art, but I'm not very experienced in that. But it must be the same with a sculptor, an artist, and even a novelist pouring out his heart into words. And nothing can ever beat that.

What else, I;ve also managed to hit my head really hard by the staircase. It hurt, I wanted to shout with the pain but I was alone so there's no point in shouting. I've just discovered this thing, you only scream with pain when there's somebody who can listen to it. Although the pain did stop me in my tracks, like a delayed sort of pain. And it's not the kinky kind of pain either.

Actually need some kink in my life, but for some reason I've calmed down a bit at the moment. Anyway, this is getting way too private and it's about to get published on the www! So to all of you, I'm a good girl!
Kisses
AnnMarie

perkier...

Beautiful day here, but the heat is already somewhat unbearable. Still worse to come, I don't know how I'm going to survive this summer heat this time, except for doing like my dogs do, just lie down under the ac. Well lying down under their ac would get me frozen, their goes down to a minus five, but they don't seem to mind. Heqq they're snow dogs, so that must explain it. My cats.... that's another story, they seem to love the heat, well they're in for a glorious summer.

Me. After my brother interviewed what seemed like tons of people as potentials for the programme, I got my own interview. I'm going on a weight management programme, whatever that means, turns out it also inclued a psychologist.... I hate these psycho people. They seem to know it all, and try to fir you into a pigeon hole. Well, this one's going to have a hard time with me, for one a pigeon hole is too small for me to fit into, more importantly, I am me, and there is nobody esle like me. Not even having a twin makes another you out there, so..... the psychos should know better than to fit me according to personality type. Personality disorder..... I think I have most of them, not just one. I don't care anyway, everyone has them so why bother. So I'll have to talk to a wanna be shrink, no problem, there is no way I'll break down, rather she'll break down. But if it's a she, madonna god help me and her. I do not like women psychos, women doctors, women everything. Yes I know I'm a woman myself, but i don't like them. We'll see, maybe it will turn out all right.

So the weight management is going to be under control. Now the anger management. Wonder if anybody runs courses for that. I really could kill someone right now, or at the very least make them sorry they were ever born. Nobody in particular, I just want to scream my lungs off that's off.

Ok stopping here, this is making me sound like a horrible person, which I don't think I am.
Talk soon
AnnMarie

back again

Ok I'm back again. Felt too disgruntled back then. But still it hurts. My head hurts. Worse of all I would like to beat the shit out of whoever invented full-length mirrors. It has to be a man, like the one who thought high heels are sexy. High heels may look good, but for people who do not need the extra inches like me, who cares? Still I succumb to the high heel inventor. I love shoes, they make or break you. They may actually break your back too, but still make you. I really wonder this love connection about me and shoes, like where did it come about? But then I love, adore jewellery too, clothes, anything which makes you a girl.
My head hurts again, but I cannot tell anybody, so many people think I'm sick in the head or something. And maybe there's something which could need some oiling, but then nobody's perfect. I'm sick of one thing.... of having to have everything perfect when I just want to be left alone. Alone. Now that's so nice. What would also be nice was not having to venture outside, but I have to go to work, although the holidays are due anytime soon. Here I don't have to constantly worry about what people are saying and thinking. I see the shock on their faces when someone hasn't seen me for a long time, they think where has the other sexy twin gone to. I just want to tell them there's another sexy twin, one is enough and leave me alone. Sometimes it feels like maybe I don't even have the right to live or breathe. Because I'm overweight.... yeah over who's weight. I know what it's like being sexy in all the right places, ok I've doubled my wieght in four years, I know it's unhealthy, I am now feeling the strain of carrying all this weight, but please give me a break. It doesn't mean I'm stupid, lazy, unattractive anymore. I don't know but I think I need help on this, but all doctors will take a good look at me and say.... diet. Yes dieting, the only diet that's ever worked for me is a starvation one , then they say it's not good. The ones who really love me say it makes no difference to them.... but then why should they especially state that it makes no difference. Better stop now, it's not getting better.

Love
AnnMarie

Ok it's not a good day. I keep thinking about yesterday, and it hurt. Nobody will even take time to see if you're pretty of not, they go beyond that, Stuff your pretty face. That hurt, it still does. It really seems I'm on this ong big ride to hell sometimes. Sometimes it gets a bit better. But still, my house is my castle, I have everything here heavenly beds, water jets, mostr importantly my cats and dogs. They really don't take time to see the prettiness or not, they know me when I was look at me stuff, they know me now... if anything they love me more. Maybe living in a jungle would be better...

So let's give this a try......

So I've been hearing about blogs for so long, I've decided to go for it. At any rate, it really is a haven to get it all out, maybe to make friends too, which is always welcome.

Where do I start, I'm a 33 (going on 34... yikes!) year old female. I am a musician by profession, but I currently teach music to kids. Satisfying most times, but sometimes I miss the music, the real music world, underworld as it may be. I suppose I'm what a normal single female would be with loads of hang ups and issues, but then nobody is perfect. I've given up the on-the-couch-therapy, not that it doesn't work, but then I cannot bring myself to make changes, so I suppose it doesn't work out very well.

I am also an animal lover, I have 5 cats (had 6 but one sadly died of cancer at two years old) and 2 gorgeous Alaskan Malamutes. To me they are like my kids, seeing I don't have any, they get all my attention.

Anyway I have given this a try, let's see how it works out.....

love
AnnMarie