One week and one day...

It's been one week and a day, and no Lady. And it sucks. No, worse than that, it's so sad. I've lost my baby girl and there will be no replacement. Funny how people react to this. Some people who swear they care so much and have my phone ringing for just about anything choose not to say a word. It's as if it hasn't happened. Then again, other people who have been just another face have suddenly come round, sympathised and empathised and gone out of their way. It's so strange. But then maybe it's not strange and I am just a very bad judge of character. Either way, nothing's bringing my girl back, but it's been interesting to find out that my Lady was actually an alpha female!!!! I never knew that, Lady, with her classy walk yet so playful, who didn't realise her own weight could be a painful issue when she decided to clobber me with her big paws.. an alpha? And her companion, the ever so fierce Fluke, even bigger and with a temperament to match Dom Mintoff's... a follower. Crazy, but true. And it makes me smile. Fluke who scares the living daylights even out of very experienced veterinarians had to go by Lady's rules. She was my girl all right, I taught her well, I taught her to be a feminist... yeay yeay that's my girl. One thing though, dogs are beautiful. Fluke might scare and be mad at everybody else, but not at us. He's just our little boy, well a very big and now old little boy at that, but he's just a pup at heart... with us. With Fluke it's a don't mess with me attitude. I pity the vets who have to see him, they too are shit scared, and it makes me laugh. Experienced vets... Fluke pins them to the wall. Not Lady, Lady was always a good patient poor soul. And I am here smiling, not because I don't have a heavy heart, but because I will not let myself remember the end. I choose to remember her life, and sit here and remember some more antics and smile some more. Perhaps it's denial. But then that's the first stage of grief.... I can't blame myself for that.

Lady

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. One reason for that would be my being bone idle I guess, another being so many happy things happening. And yet it’s not a happy reason which brings me here. It’s a very sad one. Lady. My Lady, the little girl I never had which came in the shape of a ball of fur. She didn’t stay that way for much, my girl grew and grew, which is natural in this house, and also natural for her. My very own Alaskan Malamute, although I could have cared less if she was a mongrel. Happy Lady who walked just like a Lady, head held high, with her wriggling butt which was so cute. I’d never had a dog before, so this was my first time… I spoilt her rotten. I loved her sleeping next to me just like a human, I loved covering her up with a blanket just like a human, and oh God I loved the way she would put her paw on my shoulder and sleep as if to say, hey I’m here and I love you. I loved her too. With her priceless facial expression, she chewed on my shoes… and yet I never scolded her. I guess it doesn’t say much for my parenting skills, but as long as she was happy; I was. I’m writing in the past because of course this happened over six years ago. I wish I could now write in the present and give details of what Lady is up to now. But I can’t. I’d give anything for it. But it still wouldn’t change anything. Lady is gone, she’s crossed over to Rainbow Bridge or so I want to think. I don’t care if there is no Rainbow Bridge; I want to believe that there is. I need to think that one day when my time is up, I will find my Lady again and meet her again. She is free from pain now. I’m the one who is in pain, and it’ll be quite some time till acceptance settles in. Six years really isn’t a lot, but that was all the time I had with my little girl. Then she got sick, so sick she was at death’s door overnight. It’s useless beating myself about it. I couldn’t have known, but I tried to make her stay. Still, after a major op, when things started looking up, it was all too much for my poor girl and she grew cold. That was the worst feeling of all, watching my girl, now cold. The same girl who really could be such a lovely pest, full of energy…lifeless. And I prayed to God because I thought God knew I couldn’t take this. Very selfish I know, but then I am a human being and not a dog. Dogs are selfless, well Lady was. I wonder why God never listens to me when I am on the verge of losing someone, I might as well get used to the idea that He just doesn’t. I don’t care if, in His opinion, there are plenty more things to do than to listen to me begging Him to save my Lady. He’s let me down one other time. But I hope he hasn’t let Lady down and that she is now roaming the best gardens and meadows of Heaven. Till we meet again sweetheart, you will forever be etched in my heart.

Older now

Here I am again, it's been so long up until I realised that there is no way I am spending my Euro for hours on the couch. I might as well spend them on jewellery and therapy myself here. I'm a year older but feel younger. I'm supposed to be a year wiser but feel really stupid. Stupid in the fact that I keep yearning for the acceptance of my rights. Rights and AnnMaries do not go together, at least not with this one. There's been no birthday bash this year. Just a very sorry excuse for an 'outing' which actually involved having to forfeit my birthday to do a favour for someone who is my brother's friend. Oh, and he's also an eye surgeon, or ophthalmic something, whatever they're called' I was going to do it quite gladly actually, a small recital for a good man. Until I was written off the programme, and until the good man ignored me completely... then I wasn't too glad. I admit I am not the man of 'Arani Issa' fame, with a well cut body and sexy butt, but the thing is I am the woman behind the 'Arani Issa' man, and that speaks volumes. And that man cannot perform through a whole recital without me. That's the truth. But then of course, with doctors come nurses, and nurses will always be the wanna-be docs. They thrive on power, and power they have. Why is another mystery. That means no more corrective laser eye surgery for me because I don't talk to my own twin with puppy eyes, behind my forever specs and neither do I grind my groin against his groin. I'm almost, just almost sorry for the nurse because I know that no amount of eyelash batting or grinding will take her anywhere. Perhaps a sex change...
As for me... I'm disappointed, I feel cheated and lost. And they say I need help. Yeah right, I just need to kick a couple of people's heads in and dump them like a bad habit. Then... I'll be just fine.